Sunday, December 30, 2012

Who needs a budget?

Well apparently we do...Bleh.
We aren't completely broke, we have some in our savings, but that is money we really don't want to have to touch, so for the time being we are really cutting back.
I was able to keep Christmas costs under $300 for 6 kids and 10 adults because of my contest winnings and that really helped.  But winter just costs more.  Higher gas bills to heat the house, higher electricity costs.

When Rob is cutting back on lunch during the work week then it must be serious. I did win a ten dollar gift card to Mcdonald's which I gave to him and that will give him lunch for a day or two.
So I'm on a use up what food we have in the house kick.  I had leftover celery and baby carrots.  I cut those up and along with some onion. I added those along with chicken flavoring cubes, some noodles and a pound of boneless skinless chicken breasts cubed and cooked up.  And then I have homemade chicken noodle soup.  Plus it made quite a lot so I froze some of it to heat up another day.  I had to buy nothing for it and it probably cost around $5 and I will get a couple meals out of it.
I don't really make home-cooked meals.  I've mentioned it before, but generally probably 85% of what I make comes right out of a box or can.  A meal might look like a box of mac and cheese, a can of carrots and a can of fruit cocktail.  Part of it is laziness and part of is the fact that Rob doesn't like leftovers so I don't make meals that will have leftovers often.  I freeze them when possible and it is nice to be able to reheat it in the crockpot.

Extra Money
So my next move is to try to sell some stuff online or through consignment and hopefully that will bring in a little big of extra money.  
We don't go out to eat often (a few times a month), we don't have cable (just netflix), & Rob has a 3 year old iphone while my phone doesn't even have internet access on it.  We have basic internet and that's it.  I shop at Aldi's and generally only buy things on sale.
I also use swagbucks (I do get some sort of credit if you sign up through this link  Just a few minutes a day and I average a $5 amazon gift card every other month. I use zoom panel (a survey site) to earn amazon gift cards also to use as gifts.
The last thing I do is use save up.  I have been using this for almost a year.  I won an ipad3 in May.  I legitimately won and I use the thing daily.  The premise of the site is link your accounts (savings and loans) and when you save money or pay off loans you earn credits which you can use to play for prizes.  I have never had anything suspicious happen with any of my accounts for people who may wonder.  I hit the top ten  for weekly average this week.  I am in the mid 300's overall, but I don't know how many people use the site.   I recommend it.

My spending/saving plan.
I'm going to write what I spend to be held accountable here

Day 1 December 30
$20 Church tithe.

Help me
I need really cheap meal ideas, free date ideas and other ways to earn money.

Thanks for all the help.  I very much appreciate it.

Friday, December 28, 2012

2012's last Friday update

1) Rob started a new job this week.  He is working for my sister's father in law.  I really hope he sticks with this one. The constant switching of job's is stressful.  I want him to be happy; it's just the switching and unknown that comes with it s not something I want to do for a while.  He just switched job's in April.
Perks to this job include insurance and I'm excited about this.  Group insurance tends to be cheaper and have better coverage. Private insurance stinks.  Instead of working 8-6 everyday he works 8-5 except Wednesdays and he will work until 7 that day.  It was so nice last night to have had dinner, gone to the gas station and the grocery store and be back home by 7 (and he had worked a little late).  Usually it's close to 7 before we even eat dinner.  And finally it's super close to where I work.  He could stop over at lunch if he wanted to.
But the family I work for is moving at the end of January or early February.  They are moving 5 minutes away.  So while it's only a 15-20 minute commute and I don't generally have traffic, I am totally okay with 5 minutes.  I plan on bringing the kids over in the summer and spending time here.
I will however need to do some baby proofing.  Our house isn't to bad though but I will need a baby gate for the steps.

2) Speaking of baby proofing I nearly had a heart attack at work.  I laid Troy down in his crib for a nap.  He generally cries for a few minutes and falls asleep.  I had just been talking to his mom today about how mobile he was getting and how he is pulling himself up somewhat.  I kind of had that in the back of my mind when I laid him down, but his parents hadn't said anything and he had never tried that in the crib and I honestly thought he would just cry and fall asleep.  I walked back downstairs and was down maybe a minute.  I took a drink of water and heard a thud, and knew he had fallen out of his crib.  I ran up there as fast as I could with the water still in my mouth scared of what I would find.  He was crawling toward the door crying.  I picked him up and he calmed down, but I was scared he had a head injury.   I gave it a moment and he was acting like himself, but I called him mom and of course she didn't answer.  Had he been lethargic or sleepy or having other serious signs I would have called again and called 911, but once he calmed down he was totally himself.

3) I  often win contests and I have discovered great products and companies that way. However I realize that while you are giving something away that doesn't mean you should treat me any differently.  For example I won a costum made diaper.  I picked my pattern and emailed the blogger back.  After months and several emails I got 2 diapers which was nice, but neither was what I requested.  I will never actually give that company money.
One the flip side there are companies that I have won products from and had those products within days and been impressed with.  I would actually spend my money on them.

4) The last cycle was a bust as I thought.  I'm on cycle 6 now.  I am trying more stuff this cycle.  I won this stuff called Bona Dea and I'm going to try that.  I also bought POM juice but that is expensive stuff so I bought cheap pomegranate juice blend and are going to mix them.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Christmas Unwind Update

I love the holidays, but I'm glad that they are over.  There is just to much to do and to many places to be.  It's to stressful.

Christmas #1 was on the 23rd with Rob's dad, sister, her husband and the kids.  We decided last year that we were going to celebrate on the 23rd every year and we would alternate between her house and ours and this year was our year to host it.
The night before Rob decided he really wanted to make it festive and fun for our nephew Trav (who is 2 1/2).  (This was one of those 'aww I can't wait to make him a dad' moments. :) ) So he started pulling out all the decorations we hadn't bothered to put up.  He hung these little felt trees from the ceiling and I made some snowflakes and he hung those up.
Rob wanted to give one to Trav and Libby, but they were already in the car and he had forgotten to have Traverse pick out one, so grabbed two down and handed them to Lisa (his sister) and when she got in the car she gave Trav his snowflake and he said 'but mom I'm sad Libby didn't get one' and she told him that she had one for Libby too.  How sweet is that?  He had it hung up over his bed that night so he could look at it.

My family has this tradition of passing this ornament back and forth.  It's called the ugly ornament. My dad and his sisters have passed it back and forth and now it's on my generation.  You know I like to enter contests.  So on Christmas eve I got this package.  I noticed before opening it that it was from the area I live in.  I opened it and the letter explaining I had won this sweepstakes.  I didn't remember entering it or winning it and a big win like that I'm sure I would have.  However I did get a gift card in the mail once I didn't remember winning so I thought maybe it was legit.  I pulled back the tissue paper and saw the ornament.  I started laughing and was like 'oh man my cousin got me good'

Christmas #2  (Christmas eve) was with Rob's mom, his sister and her family again, and his grandparents.  Then after eating and presents his great aunt (grandpa's sister) who lives next door came over with 2 of her kids and their kids and we had dessert and played a few minute to win it games that my sister in law put together.  One involved boxes with jingle bells of different sizes in them.  One box had 5, the next 10, and all they way up to 35 (in increments of 5), so 7 boxes total.  I only got the first 2 right.  Yikes!  I think the winner had 5 right.   It was a fun time.  His grandparents left for Florida on Christmas day so we wanted to hang out with them for longer.  We ended up skipping my mom's extended family.  I know I had mentioned probably doing it anyway, and it was fine, but it is the one time of the year I do get to see most of them, so it was a little bit of  a bummer.

Christmas #3 was Christmas morning with my parents.  We went over there and exchanged gifts with my parents, sister, brother in law, brother and my niece.  It was a fun time.  My parents spoil us.  They probably spent $150 on each kid.  I spent $25 on each parent.

Then Rob and I came back home and exchanged gifts.  We only did a few small gifts because we are saving for couches.  So I got him a shirt, a new coffee/tea mug and a candy bar.  He went a little over our set budget and got me a gift card to the gas station (he's a practical one), a new bra, a pair of underwear (those surprised me), some candy, a few lotto tickets (I think they all lost), and a zip up sweatshirt.

After that we went to my aunt's house for the final Christmas   This was the side of the family that does the ornament.  We did a white elephant (I brought an old college textbook and ended up with a 2 1/2 men jersey   I do not like that show).  Then we did a good gift exchange.  My sister brought something for me to exchange (a letter opener that was re-gifted to her and she was re-gifted again), but I ended up with a $10 gift card to Meijer and a bag of candy.  I offered the gift to Ali since she brought my gift to play, but she didn't care.
We did decide that next year we would not do that get together on Christmas.  It's going to be weird because it has ALWAYS been on Christmas day.  The time has changed but the day hasn't.  So that will be different, but now that my generation has kids they all say it's too much.  And it really is.  It's stressful running everywhere so that will be nice to just do immediate family and then be able to relax.

It was not a white Christmas here.  There was a little snow on the ground but it was patchy.  Other parts of the state had plenty though.  It is kicking in tonight though.  Lots of snow outside.

I started to take down my decorations today.  I usually leave them up until after the new year, but I just want them down now.  I don't know what it is.  I guess I want my living room back. :)

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas wherever you were and whatever you were doing!

Friday, December 21, 2012

Friday Update

1) I first wrote in this post about the no poo thing.  It's been just over a month and its been going well.  I wash my hair 2-3 times a week, normally twice, and while it does start to look greasy I can get away with a ponytail and its fine.  I do use dry shampoo if it is looking really bad. When I do shower I just wash it with water and only water.
2) I am currently 13dpo and I know this cycle is going to end with a period and not a positive test and it sucks.  I'd have loved to wrap a test up and give it to Rob as an early Christmas gift.  I also think this is going to be a wretched period. I've had cramps for the last week and I have had a backache and other pms symptoms.
3) I got my cloth pads yesterday.  I know that it's tmi and most of y'all don't care, but I was excited to get them.  Yes, I am lame. Haha.  I got them from etsy and they were not cheap.  I spent more on 6 pads than I do on pads for close to a year.
4) I'm getting stressed out about Christmas.  We have plans on the 23rd, 24th and 25th and I just want to be able to relax.  This year I have been so unprepared.  I usually have my gifts done by early December and I'm not.  I just have one more gift card to get.  I also am trying to do it really cheaply.  Thanks to my contests winnings, I was able to get gifts for 6 kids and 10 adults for under $300.  Go me!
5) I think I am skipping my mom's extended family Christmas.  I may not have been able to make it anyway because we had plans before that, but I just don't want to deal with the questions of when we are going to have kids.  With Ali being pregnant and a cousin of mine due a month before her it's just going to be to much I think. I'm sure I'm being whiny and dramatic, but Thanksgiving was tough (opposite side of the family) and this will probably wind up worse.  I know I'm being selfish, and I know it will get easy but I just want to hold off for now.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Waiting game

I hate it, as I'm sure everyone ttc does.  Waiting for my period or a positive test.  At this point I think I'm waiting on my period.  I was really optimistic when this cycle started, even before I ovulated.  Then we had great timing (o-2, o-1,o and o+1).
 I had a negative test yesterday and today.  I know it's still early (11dpo; I'd be 3weeks 4 days if I was pregnant), but I've just had those period on the way signs.  Sore boobs, cramps, backache, headache etc...
I ordered some cloth pads last week. Yes I know some think this is gross, Rob does, but I've been wanting to try they for a while.  So while I would really love to not have to use them, I am okay with it, because I am kind of excited about trying them.  I am fully aware of how lame this makes me sound.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Breaks my heart

The shootings yesterday, that is.  I had to stay off of the internet for a while because every single story and facebook post was about it.  I understand it and it's horrible.  I just couldn't handle it anymore. 
From the first mass shooting I remember (Columbine High School) they seem to constantly be there.  They happen in schools, malls, places of worship, movie theaters.  And no where seems to be safe anymore.
Every one is horrible, but this one is so much more so, and it's because little kids were targeted.  I work with kids and I see how innocent they are.  I can't even fathom the fear they felt and how they were probably crying out for their mom's and dad's.  That's horrible.
Addie was having a tough time at nap yesterday and Troy was sick and teething and so fussy, but I couldn't get mad at them.  They aren't my kids, but I love them and couldn't imagine someone hurting them. 
So yes, I understand God is God and he allowed it to happen.  It's just hard to understand why. 
Why parents have to not have their children and while tragic any time of the year, so close to the holidays is going to make it worse and every year it's going to be a reminder of the tragedy when it should be a joyful time.
Life sucks. People suck.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Friday Five 12/7

*I had this all typed out and even though I am sure it was saved it's gone.  So I'm going to shorten it this time around. Annoying*
1) I am going to have a nephew in April.  My sister found out this week that it's a boy.  They are naming him Gabriel Stanton and calling him Gabe. I'm so excited to have 2 nieces and 2 nephews.
2) This got us talking about baby names and I think we have decided on them.  It's honestly not a big deal, because I'm not even pregnant and our minds may change, but Rob brought it up the other day.  I've thrown names out and have a few boy and girl names that I like but nothing that I was set on.  However Rob did tell me he is okay with my top choice for each gender.
3) I had a positive opk yesterday on cd 15 (I also had one today), which is the earliest I've ever had one so hopefully I will ovulate sometime over the weekend. The worst part of each cycle is the waiting to ovulate.  Once it's happened and confirmed it's already 3 days past.  I start testing at 9 or 10 days, so it's really only a week I have to wait.
4) I made enchiladas this week for the first time.  The were really easy.  I'm not a big fan on Mexican food, but I think I will make them again.
5) I've had a cold most of the week, which has made it difficult to do anything on my days off.  I feel like I really need to be productive because I don't work as much and need to make up for it around the house.  But I couldn't really do much other than sit around and rest.
6) I can't believe I haven't paid attention to this before, but Rob get's so proud of himself when he makes me laugh.  He just get's this look on his face and it melts my heart and makes me love him even more.  I don't really know how to explain it.
~This is probably inappropriate and I shouldn't find it funny, but I did.  I laughed. A lot.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Short & Sweet

I'm going to get my rainbow baby.  I have to believe in that.  I've been through some storms and I am learning to dance in the rain. Yes I know that sounds cliche but it's true.  I may not always feel this positive, and I'm still going to have my down days, but I'm working on it.   :)

Friday, November 30, 2012

Friday Four 11/30

1) My best friend was here over thanksgiving and while I didn't get to spend a ton of time with her, it was nice.  She usually visits in the summer and then at Thanksgiving.  I'd visit her (she lives in Minneapolis) and I did summer of 2011, but honestly it's much easier for her to come here.  She knows so many people here that it makes more sense for her to come here.
2) Funny story from work this week.  Addie is 3 and Troy is almost 8 months.  Troy is getting pretty mobile now.  He does the army crawl and is really close to actually crawling.  So he was crawling around the floor and grabbed Addie's foot.  She got mad and told me to make him apologize to me.  "Addie he can't talk, he's a baby"  "He can't?"  She seemed confused and honestly surprised that he couldn't talk.  Oh Addie.
3) We had dinner with Rob's grandparent's this week.  My sister (who used to clean for us) also cleaned for them.  His grandma is really excited my sister is pregnant and pretty much since we have been married has been asking when we are going to have kids. So I ordered a glass of wine on purpose and as soon as I did she went 'Oh so I guess this means your not pregnant.' haha.
4) I took Rob on a surprise date tonight.  I told him yesterday I wanted to take him somewhere, but didn't tell him where.  I did tell him before we left the house because he didn't want to be surprised.  We went to a newer brewery in the area.  It was fun, but really busy and I hate standing awkwardly around in the middle of the room.  Rob did see a table open up and he was like 'go go, it's open.'  It's a good thing because other people were eyeing it.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Going public

I started this with the intention of someday making it public, but at the time it was just for me.   A few weeks later I decided to make it public and I did because I felt that even though my support from the ladies on the bump was awesome, I had more to say.

I love reading the blogs of the ttgp ladies and seeing how they handle their struggles and joys has helped me.  It may not seem like it, but it has.  I hope that this blog helps someone as well.

I have made this blog public to everyone but my family and friends.  There are a few who know I have a blog, but I've held off letting them know the address because once it's out there I can't take it back.  

I kind of struggle with it, because it would be an easier answer when asked how I am doing.  I could just send them here.   For now I guess I'm not going to tell them.  Someday when I have a viable pregnancy my answer will probably change though because I think it would be easier to tell people about the pain  knowing I have something to hope for.  Know what I mean?

Just when I needed it.

I was watching a movie today on netflix.  It was  'The Shunning'.  A little cheesy, but I didn't mind it. During one scene in the movie one of the character talks about how she had multiple miscarriages and a late term loss.  Naturally this makes me sad and I cry a little wishing for my babies.
So after a few minutes I calm down, and return to the movie.  Within 5 minutes my phone rings and it's my sister in law (who knows about the losses).  She is asking about Christmas and then she asks how I'm doing and that she is thinking about me and will keep checking in every so often with me.
I can't even explain how much that meant to me.   At the moment I needed someone, she was there, and didn't even know I needed her.
I  am just amazed at the timing of it all.  I think this is one of those times that I just thank God for knowing exactly when I needed and giving it to me.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Doubled by 10%

The title has a story and Rob made fun of me quite a bit for it.   We were out to eat tonight and I was playing trivia.  It came down to the last question where you had to risk between 10-50% of your points.  I wasn't to confident on the category and risked 10%.  Rob knew the answer so we got it right.  I then said to him "Thanks! You just doubled my score by 10%."  Yeah, I know, it doesn't make any sense.  Oh, he thought it was hilarious though.

Here is my other dumb/funny moment of the day.  I was getting hungry and wanted to make the last of the spaghetti noodles that were in the box.  There was enough for one serving.  I decided to use the smallest pot so the water would cook faster. I broke most of the noodles and put them in.  The few that weren't were obviously sticking out, but I knew they would soften and be fine.
So then the water boils over, and the flame (we have a gas stove) kicks up a little.  It catches the noodles that are sticking out on fire and starts spreading.  So now my noodles are literally burning up and I have to dump water on them.  The smoke alarms goes off at this point.
I had to turn the whole thing off and pick out the noodles that were burnt and once that was done but the whole thing back on the stove.
So yes, I burned noodles that were in water.  Who does stuff like that?

Thursday, November 22, 2012

And I'm on cycle 5 now.

I'm not really surprised and this may be the only cycle I say this but I am kind of thankful for it.  Like I said in this post I'm okay with it.

Today did suck a little and I had a mini meltdown at home between being at my aunts and Rob's mom. I knew that the conversation would turn to Ali's pregnancy and I knew it would sting and it did.

I did learn that my aunt charted to get pregnant with her first (and I assume my other cousins).  My cousin is in her late 30's.   I didn't say anything, but found that very interesting.  I knew that she had a pregnancy loss after her first but I didn't realize she was 23 weeks along when it happened.  She said had a tough time getting pregnant with all of her kids (she has 3 biological; 2 adopted) and it was kind of nice to hear her talk about it.  I don't mean that it was nice that she struggled, but that she actually talked about it.

When we first started trying I always thought I would have a September baby because September is such a crazy month with birthdays so why wouldn't there be another one?   I actually share a birthday with my dad (ours is the 17th; I was born on his 30th birthday; 5 weeks early.  I also know 4 other people with the same birthday).  My sister's is on the 1st.  Her sister in law's in at the beginning of September.  Rob's sister is the 13th.  My grandma's is the 22nd.  And how cool would it be to have share a birthday with my dad AND my child?   We shall see if the timing works out.

I am glad to be able to stop with the progesterone.  I know I said I would take it until I got my period but I didn't take it last night.  I knew I was out.  I still hadn't gotten my period this morning so I dipped a wondfo and then wiped and the tp was pink, so I pretty much just wasted a test.  Good thing they are cheap tests.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012


I have a headache, but I may have over exaggerated it to get out of Rob's family's thanksgiving tonight.  
I had no idea where his cousin (who was hosting) lives, and Rob and I would have gotten there separately and I really didn't want to ride with my father in law (he's an awkward duck).   I don't mind most of his family, but there are a lot of them and I don't like crowds very well because I just feel awkward and uncomfortable.  I don't like it when it's loud either (yes I'm an old lady).


My friend was flying into Lansing from Minneapolis today.  Her flight was supposed to get in at 8:30.  I left my house at 7 because it's about an hour and a half away.   There is a closer airport (30 min), but to fly into this one is direct and much cheaper.  I rearranged my schedule  to pick her up.
She lets me know that her flight is delayed while I am on the way.  Major fog.
 It was to far to turn around so I had to find something to do to kill time, but I'm not familiar with the area.  I managed to find a Walmart that was open that early, so I'm buying a bottle of wine at 9 in the morning.  Is that classy or what?  (Note: I did not drink it)
She finally made it off the plane at about 10. And then we were finally on the way.  I parked in the 15 minute free lot, and I was in there for 16 minutes by the time I got out, so they made me pay $2.  Annoying because I was in that line within the time frame. So unfair.

I'm also annoyed that my period still has not shown up.  I'm 14dpo, and I've known that I've been out for days. I'm getting tired of taking the progesterone and I'm not going to stop until I get my period.  My longest luteal phase (lp) was 14 days so if I get it tomorrow that would make it a 14 day lp.  Since charting they have been between 11 and 14 dpo so I'm still in a normal range.

I'm annoyed that at Thanksgiving I'm going to get the whole "When are you going to have kids?" especially since Ali is pregnant.  Ugh.

Edit:  I suppose I shouldn't be so whiny.  I'm thankful that I made it safely to and from the airport and that my friend made it here safe.  I'm thankful that I can afford the pills (and at $2 each they aren't really cheap).  I'm thankful that in a week and a half I find out if I will have a niece or nephew.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

I think I'm out this cycle

I know I'm only 11dpo, but I've gotten positives by this point both times (although the first was super faint).

I have mixed feelings because on one side I'm bummed, but I almost think I will be relieved.  The farther past ovulation I got the more I kind of wish we would have taken a cycle off.  I never expected to get pregnant 3 cycles in a row, but I am kind of freaking out about what if it happened.  I really don't think I am ready for that.

I know if I am pregnant I can't change it; and I hope that the progesterone would help, but the thought of a third loss really freaks me out.  I am filled with anxiety just waiting for my period to start.

How sweet is this?

My niece made this for me yesterday after I spent the day with her.  

Friday, November 16, 2012

Friday five doubled 11/16

Super size edition to make up for last week's lacking post.
1) I tried to make those apple pie/ crescent roll things I saw on pinterest.  My first problem was in getting the tube open.  I had to cut it, thus cutting some of the rolls.  Then the apple pie filling didn't  fit very well, and the rolls didn't  cover it.  In the end they tasted okay, but I'm not a crescent roll fan.  I did dip them melted butter and brown sugar and sprinkled brown sugar on top.  Rob said they tasted good, but they still had that crescent roll taste.  They did taste good with vanilla ice cream though.  next time I think that I would add a little vanilla to the butter mixture. A for effort though (and apple, ha).
2) I wanted to get some more frer and digital pregnancy tests since I only had one frer.  I have plenty of wondfo's but i wanted something else.  We were at Walmart last weekend and so I decided to get some.  I know they are more expensive, but I like them.  So the cashier (who actually was the friendliest cashier I've ever encountered there; we don't shop there often though), was all like you know there is .88 cent tests.  I used them every time I got pregnant.  That is the Walmart I expected.  Ha.
3) We got some of our Christmas lights up over the weekend.  We just did the ones on the front of the house, but it was so nice out I wanted to do some as opposed to doing it in 30 degree weather.  We weren't the only ones in our neighborhood putting them up either.  However they are not hooked up; we still need some extension cords.  We got some light clips on clearance last year and Rob said they made it a lot easier.
4) My sister started cleaning our house earlier this year.  She cleaned the floors, made the beds, cleaned the bathrooms and the kitchen.  Last week was her last week and I had to clean this week.  Boo.  I cleaned the shower, then cleaned the nasty trash can. In the shower.  Then cleaned the shower again.  I also cleaned the sliding door track out with a q-tip.  That was the worst chore ever.  I kid you not, I threw up because it was so gross.  It was filled with dirt, hair and even a dead spider.
5)  Rob went hunting Wednesday after work (gun season started yesterday) and I always sleep crappy  when he's gone.  Yesterday I was up 5 times from 11 until 6:30.  I was so tired today.  I had caffeine for the first time today since last Saturday.
6) *TMI disclaimer* I think I may be developing a UTI.  It hurts when I pee badly.  My guess is it's from the applicator I was using with the progesterone pill.  I was using the applicator from the pre-seed lube and I was washing it and reusing it, and I must not have cleaned it well enough.  So that sucks.
7) I went to a 31 party at my boss's house last night.  I got a new wallet, a small tote to give as a gift, and another tote.  They are expensive however.  I  do have one wallet I got over a year ago and I still use it, but I wanted a more neutral pattern.  I'm not a very sociable person a lot of times.  I am a homebody and the party didn't start until 7pm so it was hard to muster up the energy to go.  I did it though and it was fun.  I'm glad I did it.  I'm trying to not be such a hermit.  I am trying to make plans to have a drink with a friend tomorrow, and I'm meeting my sister in law and niece with my other niece to watch my brother in law and nephew march in the Santa Clause parade.  I really miss my niece and don't know the last time I saw her (she's 7), so despite having to get up way early and drive downtown and stand in the cold I'm sure it will be fun.
8) I peed in a cup tonight, and tested.  I saw the faintest of lines, but I have no doubt it's just an evap line.  I'm only 9dpo according to ff (although I think I may be 10dpo) so it's super early and it was late in the afternoon so my pee would have been so diluted.  I couldn't possible get pregnant a third cycle in a row. I'll test in the morning anyway.
9)  I usually wash my hair every other day, but I read this blog post earlier this week (No poo').  I washed my hair on Sunday and didn't wash it again until Thursday and it did start to look greasy but it really wasn't that bad.  I think I'm going to try it.  I didn't use the baking soda/cider mix;  I just used water, but I might try that.
10)  I love love Christmas but I'm kind of getting nervous that this holiday season might be tough for me with the recent losses.  I really don't want to be a Debbie downer this year.

And that's what I got for now.  That may be the longest post I've written.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Friday Four 11/9

*I couldn't think of  five things this week*

1) I had the last week off work, because the family I work for was on vacation.  I did nothing the whole week.  I got nothing done and just sat at home on the computer and watched tv.  I watched all of season 3 of glee, I watched all the episodes of 'Traffic Light' on netflix and started watching Hart of Dixie.

These next few are baby related moments of this week.  
2) I told my sister in law (Rob's sister) on Monday when they came over for a birthday dinner for father in law.  She was super awesome and I'm glad I told her.  I love my sister, but I feel like she isn't as sensitive to the fact I've lost 2 babies and talks about her pregnancy all the time, but I'm getting closer to the point that it doesn't sting so much. And like I've said before I would never tell her that, because than she would never tell me anything.  So besides my sister and her husband and Rob's sister and her husband (I told her she could tell him) no other family/friends now.
I will probably tell my best friend when she visits over thanksgiving.  I didn't want to tell her that over the phone, although I did tell my sister through text.
3)My sister was telling me she had a dream this week in which we announced that I was pregnant at her baby shower.  She's almost 16 weeks (which is crazy, she finds out in 3 1/2 weeks what the sex of the baby is; I say I'm getting a nephew).  I guess it's possible that something like could happen.  Showers usually happen around 28-34 weeks right?
4) This may sound silly, but until this week I had never thought of my losses in terms of a son or daughter.  Thinking it that way made me sad.  Those were my daughters or sons or both.  It's strange to think they were my kids.  I guess while I thought of them as my babies that was it.  Thinking of them any other way makes it seem more real for sure.  Does any of that make sense?

Monday, November 5, 2012

Wine, Art & Ovulation

Random Monday ramblings. :)

1) I bought a bottle of wine today.  I think this maybe the first time I didn't get carded.  Boo

2)  I made this last night/today.  Painted a canvas, used vinyl letters, painted it again and peeled them off.  It's not perfect; the letters are a little crooked, and that may bother me, but I like it and it's a good reminder for me.  It's hanging in the kitchen and I can't miss it.

3) I got a +opk today (cd 18).  Last cycle after my first c/p I didn't get one until day 22.  So this is more what a 'normal' cycle is to me so yeah for that!  I was worried that I might have ovulated on cd15 which is way early for me, because I had horrid cramps and my temps had gone up for a few days, but they were down a little today.   I tested and when my 5 minutes were up I checked and there was no mistaking it for a negative. That line was really dark.  Usually before getting a clear positive I have a test that I have a hard time telling if the lines were the same.  Not this cycle!

Friday, November 2, 2012

Liebster Blog Award

Nicole at In Nic's mind nominated me for a Liebster Blog Award.  Thanks!  The bloggers that I would love to nominate have already been nominated so I have to think about who I would nominate. 

These are the questions from Nicole. 

1. What is your favorite movie?  

2. What is your pet peeve?
It drives me nuts when people don't use their turn signals. The worst is 4 waystops when you want to go straight and you think the person across from you is also going straight; nope they are turning left.  Ugh.  Annoying.  Also hate when people cut you off and turn and there isn't a car behind you. 

3. Which one country would you want relocate to if you had the opportunity?
Somewhere warm. Not sure which country.  I have a friend who loved Costa Rica.  Maybe there?

4. What is your biggest fear?


5. What is your favorite time of year?

Summer.  I love the warm weather.  

6. What do you miss most about being a kid?

I miss having an imagination.  Honestly I try to play with the kids and I am not nearly as creative as they are.  It's so amazing the things that they come up with. 

7. What is the last movie you watched or book you read?

I read this book. 
<-------.  It was a prize I won.  I actually enjoyed it.  If the next ones in the series were cheaper I'd probably buy them. 

8. Favorite color?


9. If you friends had to describe you in one word what would it be?

Home-body.  Okay that's two, but I really do like being home.  I've gotten less social as I get older.  I'm not really sure why.

10. Are you a morning or night person?

I feel more productive at night even though I don't like to be out late.  

11. Silver or gold?
Silver.  I think the look of gold is kind of dated. 

Friday Five 11/2

1) I found this movie on crackle last weekend. --------------------------------->
I used to watch it all the time, but hadn't seen it years.  I wanted to watch it as soon as I found it, but Rob wasn't so into it.  So I had to wait until he went hunting, but I think it might be going on my Christmas list..
2) I have the lamest post titles.  I'm so uncreative.
3) I really missed my old work kiddos and I was babysitting in the neighborhood on Tuesday so I stopped by to see them.  It had been a month and a half since I saw them and I usually saw them 4 times a week, so I really missed them. It was great to surprise them.  Then on Halloween they surprise me and came to my house.  They live 20 minutes away and only came to my house,  I don't think they can know how much that meant to me.
Speaking on Halloween here's a cute trick or treater story.  This little boy,  probably around 4 came to the door and I gave him a handful of suckers, maybe 3 or 4. As he turned back around I heard him say "she sure gave me lots of suckers" to his parents.  It was adorable!
4) I got to see my sweet niece Libby again today.  I haven't seen her in three weeks.  She was more alert today and was as adorable as she has always been.
5) I had a little sad moment today.  It wasn't really from seeing Libby but I was with my sister and we went to the mall first and she wanted to go to motherhood maternity and I didn't go to another store because I honestly didn't  think about it.  And that alone could have been okay, but I swear all she talks about is baby related, at least 90%.  I can understand that she is just excited, and maybe I will be the same way, but I wouldn't go on and on in front of someone who has had recent losses.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Doctors appointment

So I went and met with a Ob/gyn today, and I think it went well.
I found the building and parked no problem but finding the office was a little tougher.  The entrance was on level one so I assumed that meant the bottom.  Right?  No, it wasn't. So after walking down the stairs in the ramp and seeing the numbers go up, I just used the elevator to get to level 1.  Then when I got in the building I was a little confused, and went up the stairwell because I knew it was on the third floor.  Then there were random sitting areas and several offices, but I found the one I wanted and it was easy from there.
I liked the dr. and felt like I have a plan going forward.  I had brought my last few charts and he looked at them and actually knew what he was looking at.  I was happy with that.  He thinks that there may be an issue with my lp, which I kind of wondered about, but said progesterone will help with that so after I confirm ovulation to start taking 100mg vaginally (I'm sure y'all wanted to know that.  I can see the jokes from dh when I tell him).  I asked if I should wait a cycle or keep going, and he said because they were early losses that I don't have to wait.
So I think I want to try this cycle.  I know Rob will be happy.  He never wanted to take a break, and not that I really did, but I was thinking it more for mental health reasons.  I feel better with a plan of action.  The doctor said to take the progesterone after ovulation for 12 days and if I do get a positive test to call right away to come in and have my levels checked. They don't check them usually unless you are pregnant.  If I am not pregnant than I just stop taking it.  If I do get pregnant and have another loss they may do genetic testing.
So anyway, I feel pretty good about how things went.  Yeah!

Monday, October 29, 2012

Emergency Kit

I'm in Michigan so Hurricane Sandy & the whole Frankenstorm things won't really be a problem here,  but I'm thinking of all my friends on the East coast because they are about to get hit with a ton of crap.

I have to say I'm really glad that I have an emergency kit that has enough food and water for several days.  I also have clothes (the old stuff we wouldn't normally wear) including hats & gloves.  I have basic first aid supplies, blankets, towels, a flashlight.   I have to get a solar powered flashlight/radio.  I haven't been able to find them in the stores at this time of year.  If they don't have them in the next month or so I will just buy one online, although I might just do it anyway.  I also need a way to cook food.  I have canned food (I do have a can opened in there).  Rob suggested we buy some mini propane tanks and a mini grill since ours is nasty.  I also want to through in some hand warmer packets that Rob uses for hunting.

I had bought a big tote to put it all in, but that won't fit in my car, so I have a few small 18 gallon totes, and a few small boxes. 

I even have an emergency book, and this weekend I made a second one to keep somewhere else.  It has important phone numbers (all our family), contact numbers for our life insurance, home insurance and car insurance.  Not health though.  I'll just copy the card.  It has a fairly detailed assement of what is in our house and replacement value.  Rob says that I am an insurance person's nightmare because I know exactly what there is.  ha.  I do plan on taking some more pictures as well.
The book has a copy of our marriage liscense and my birth certificate.  I don't know where Rob's is.

Seriously I'm glad I have this stuff.  I just want to make a mini kit for the car.  I don't know what else I am missing.  What else should I have in the book or kit?

Sunday, October 28, 2012

A blog post that I found.

I found this Perfect Post on a blog that I follow.  I hate to make everything I post be about this subject so I'll keep it short, but I think it was a great post and wanted to share.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Friday Five 10/26

1) Biggie, and not really new news, but I had my second loss last weekend, thus no Friday five last week. I posted about it here. This is an update post.  I did tell my sister yesterday about it.  She knew about the first one.  The only other thing I've come to realize is that I guess I kind of assumed people got pregnant when they wanted to.  I never thought that they may have had struggles of their own, and that's probably because they aren't talked about.  So then I think I want to talk about it, because if that can help someone it's good.  But I am not to the point where I can talk about it without being sad. Someday....

2)I painted the spare room in the basement last week.  I won the paint months ago and haven't gotten to it because a few things needed to be done it that room first. The paint looked white when I poured it out on the tray, and it's kind of a creamy grayish color. I think I might end up doing an accent wall in the room though. It's a little to light of a color for me. I choose this color Sheep's wool.  I was proud of my painting skills this time around. I usually push to hard on the roller and get drips, but not this time. :)  Despite my cramping I finished it on Saturday when Rob was hunting.  It gave me something to do and kept my mind distracted. 
Rob replaced the light fixture and that made a difference.  I was going to scrape the popcorn ceiling and I was sure I could have rocked it.  I read about how to do it, but in the end I was just lazy.  I have one small section to finish painting though.  There was a pile of the old trim in the way and I didn't want to have to keep moving it around and I didn't have a proper way to dispose of it at the time.  It was to much for the garbage can.  
We have to get new trim, but we'll have to borrow a truck for that. Rob is going to replace the other outlet with a tamper proof one.  I need to replace the window of insulate it better, and put up a closet door or something there, but then it will be done.

3) On Sunday when Rob was hunting again I went to Michaels and bought stuff for several craft projects.  I'm going to make puzzle blocks for my nephew for christmas.  I found the idea here (Fabric blocks) I'm taking scrapbook paper, cutting it and using modge podge to put it on.  Total cost will be under $10.  I have a gift for him that I bought cheap months ago, and one that I won so he will be all set.

4)  I just found out this week that I will have a week off of work.  The Friday after Halloween until the next Friday.  They booked a  last minute vacation.  I'm super excited, but worried that I'll want to spend money in my free time.  I need to be productive.

5)  I finally found an ob/gyn that I could get into without having to fax my medical records from my pcp before I could even get an appt.  So I have an appt on 10/30 at 10:30 (I know that nobody cares what time it is; I just though that was kind of funny).  While I don't expect answers at this one, it will get me established somewhere at least.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Disorganized thoughts

I have a lot to say and it's all over the place so just be forewarned.

For now though I'm just taking it one day at a time. 

A girl I am fb friends with and used to work with just lost a baby yesterday.  She had bleeding in the morning, went to the ER and they did an ultrasound, baby had a good heartbeat.  Later that evening she had more bleeding and bad cramping and went back to the ER and her baby was gone.   I'm not close with her but this stuff breaks my heart.   She was 15 weeks along. 
Times like this make me wonder which I'd prefer; a) never getting a positive test or b)getting a positive and losing the baby shortly after.   Her case seems like it would always be the worst.  You see the baby and hear the baby and then it's gone.  But at least she has a picture to remember it by.  All I have is a picture of a positive test to show I was pregnat, and I'm not sure if I really even have those.  I may have deleted them.  (I am in no way saying that one loss is worse than another; a loss is a loss; but it is one easier to deal with?  I'd say my case is a crap ton easier)

So Rob wants to keep trying, but I want to take a cycle off.  I think anyway. I can't even believe how lucky we have been in getting pregnant and I don't believe that we would get that lucky again and I am not sure what a third c/p would do to me.

I don't know if I can give up totally control though.  I say I need a break but I like knowing what is happening.  I am temping but I've missed 2 days this cycle (and it's only day 6).  Like today I hadn't completely forgotten but I had already hit the snooze a few times so I didn't want to temp.  It seems like I remember 5 minutes after waking up and then I'm like crap, it's too late.  I am still early in the cycle though.

I have a doctors appointment next week.  Hopefully I can come up with a plan of action.  I want to talk about if my lp is an issue, and if my progesterone may be low.

I have my good days where I want to keep going and just figure out the issue, and then I have my bad days where I cry and think it's not fair that I've lost 2 babies (and they were babies even if they were as small as a dot).

I think it is the worst when my sister texts me telling me about how her nt test went great and she's 13 weeks.  I let it go without saying anything because she doesn't know about the 2nd loss, and I don't want to make her feel bad about anything that isn't her fault.  It stings a little though.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

I'm doing better than I thought.

Last night we went out to dinner and played trivia and I had a drink.  I came home and because I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before and had a buzz I was sleeping by 9:30.  Rob had gone over to the neighbors after I went to sleep and woke up around 11:30 when he got home.  I was up until about 1, woke up at 2, and then slept until 7:30 and then back to bed until 9:30.   I am a poor sleeper usually and a 3 hour stretch without waking up is good for me so a 5 1/2 hour felt great.

My cramps have been moderate today, but I haven't been bleeding to badly.  Heavier than normal and heavier than last time, but not enough that I am worried.

Today I've done my best to keep busy so I don't have time to dwell on things.  I painted a room today in our house and pinned lots of crafts that I want to do and meal planned and just tried to stay busy.

Emotionally I'm doing so much better than I thought I would.  I'm still really bummed about it, but for me now that I know there has to be an issue, I just want to figure it out and do something about.  I am sure there has to be something going on.

Some of my bumps friends have suggested that it may be low progesterone and/or my lp (lutel phase) may be to short and B-6 may help. When I get into the doctor I'm going to talk to them about these things.  All of you bumpies have been so amazing and I am so appreciative of it.  It sucks not really having anyone that I know in real life to talk about it with, but I love that you ladies 'get' it.

Rob wants to try again, and while I do want to, I think that I need to take a cycle or so off.  At least for my mental sake.  I don't want to go through this a third time.  I guess it depends on when I can get into an ob/gyn and what they say about it though.

Friday, October 19, 2012

I can't believe this is happening again.

I hate hate hate that I have to write this post again.

Yesterday my temp took a HUGE drop and I knew I was out.  No bleeding, but it dropped again today and when I tested with a wondfo at 5:30 it was negative.  I knew I couldn't go back to sleep after that some just laid back int bed and thought I was going to be sick.  Now I just have to wait for the bleeding to start.

Rob was sleeping In the spare room because he didn't want to keep me awake last night. I didn't want to wake him up but at 6:30 I went in there and crawled into bed with him. I needed him. He was a annoyed at first until I told him what happened.  Then he was awesome and just let me cry and held me.  Last time I had a c/p be was supportive the night I told him, but the next day he didn't even call to see how I was doing and didn't come home until late.  I was pissed about that.

His alarm kept going off and he kept hitting the snooze, and I told him that I know he had to get up.  And he was like its okay I can call in.  I know it's tough.  I was so tempted but I work as a nanny and there is no one else, so I didn't want to call in.  Even though being with kids is not at all where I want to be today.  I can be okay with the 3year old, but the 6 month old is making me cry a little.

I just feel like the whole thing is a joke. How can this honestly be happening twice? And in row.  I got pregnant on cycle 2 and was thrilled it happened so fast, but that ended in a c/p.  Then I got pregnant again the next cycle and while I was scared and really nervous, I was really trying to relax. But 2 in a row, something isn't right.  I won't be able to do much this weekend, but I'm going to find an ob/gyn and try to get an appt next week.

Honestly I don't even know if I want to try again for a while. I think I'm going to be taking a break from the whole thing.  No temping, opk's, no being on the bump etc.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I need to relax

Every little cramp or twinge is freaking me out.  I know that it can be normal and they aren't really painful, but I want to test every single time.  I seriously had a test in my hand last night and was ready to test, but I didn't and was proud of myself.

Then I woke up this morning and my temp was down, and so I tested and it was the faintest of lines.
I know that it's still early (12dpo) and a line is a line.  But I want dark lines.  I will feel better.

I just can't shake the fear that something will happen again.  Logically it's dumb and nothing I do will change it, but I just feel dread and nervousness.  And I should enjoy this time and be excited.

If I can make it through the weekend I will be more pregnant than I was last time, and I will call and find an ob/gyn and make an appointment.

I just need to chill out and relax.  I know this.  But it's always on my mind; the what if's?

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Monday, October 15, 2012

Shut the front door.

Got Bfp #2 today!  Praying like crazy that this one sticks.  I just had a c/p last cycle, so I in no way thought it would happen this cycle.
My due date (based on ovulation) is June 28, which makes me 3 weeks 3 days today.

~~~The Story~~~
I tested yesterday at 9dpo (I know it was to early, I was getting antsy), and it was negative.  I decided to test again today at 10dpo.  I thought I saw a line on a wondfo, but it was so faint I wasn't sure.  I checked it before I left for work (35 minutes later, I know it invalidates the test) and there was a faint, but visible line.
I grabbed a frer and took it to work with me.  I tested and within 3 minutes another faint, but clearly visible line showed up.  I could not believe it.  I took a pic and just kept looking at it all day long.  I tested when I got home with a wondfo (another super faint line), and a frer (another line just like before).
Honestly I'm really kind of nervous and scared.  I know if something happens that it isn't my fault and there wasn't anything I could do about it, but I was really sad after the c/p so I  don't want to get my hopes up and get excited, but I am excited.  Shocked it happened so quickly as well.
I had sore boobs at 8dpo and today.  I also had a backache/headache over the weekend, but I don't think that it pregnancy related.  I feel a little icky today (but it's still really early)
Last bfp I didn't really have any symptoms.  I got my barely there squint at it kind of line at 11dpo and a clear positive at 12dpo, so this cycle I got a positive earlier.  
A few weeks ago I won a 8x10 canvas print, but haven't chosen a picture yet.  So when dh finally got home tonight, I said 'hey I figured out what picture I want for the canvas' and showed him a pic of the frer. Then I said 'I'm pregnant again.' I had not even mentioned anything about the 2ww (two week wait; time between ovulation and testing).  I didn't even tell him that I had o'd (only that I thought I might have before it was confirmed).   He said 'awesome' and we hugged.  He's nervous too because of what happened last cycle.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Friday Five 10/12

1) We have a new niece!  Elisabeth Kara (Libby) was born on 10-9.  My best friend was also born this day (although 28 years earlier, lol) so that is kind of fun.

I was trying to format these pics a little bit better but here are a few.  I can't wait to have my own baby someday.  :)

2) Rob cleared room in the garage for me to park.  We didn't use the garage at all last winter, which I guess we were lucky it was so mild.  I didn't expect to park in it this winter either, but he came home one day and cleaned it out.  I didn't ask him to or expect him to, but I really am happy he did.  Major win husband points for him. Love it!

3) I've been doing better about trying to cook (expect for tonight because we need to eat leftovers up).  I made fajitas yesterday (and that took a long time to cut up everything).  I used greek yogurt instead of sour cream and I liked it, but Rob didn't at all.  He didn't even put it on his fajita, just tried a bite of mine.

4) I had a short work week this week.  I worked Monday & Wednesday.  Although I am working tomorrow actually; not thrilled about that, but I need the money.  So since I was off today I went to Lisa's and helped her with Trav & Libby.  Love those kiddo's. :)

5) I haven't won anything in contests in almost 2 weeks.  But I haven't had as much time with the new job to do them, so that may be why.  

6) I bought Halloween candy this week (for the trick or treaters) and that may not have been my smartest choice, because not only did I buy it early, but I bought the kind I like to it.  It's tempting me.  

7) I haven't mentioned anything ttc related to Rob in the last week.  It's been tough because I want to talk about it, but I'm sure he was sick of me saying something about it everyday, and he hasn't mentioned anything so either he hasn't noticed or doesn't care.  I did ovulate this cycle so I'll know next week if I am pregnant.  Fingers crossed. 

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

My adorable new niece.

Photo: Elisabeth Kara Keskitalo was welcomed to the world at 8:58am.  She weighs 8lb 2oz and is 19" long.  She is a total sweetheart and cuddle bug!  "Libby" shares her name with the three most important women in her life...her mom Lisa is in her first name, her Nanas Karen and Debra help make her middle name, and her nickname is unique to her and just plain adorable!  God has blessed our family with a daughter, how perfect!  Thank you for the prayers and well wishes.  We felt them at 2:00am  when we went started contractions :)
Elisabeth Kara (aka Libby).  Born 10-9-12
I can't wait to spoil her. :)

Friday, October 5, 2012

Friday Five 10/5/12

1) I got out some Halloween decorations this week.  I forgot I had bought a costume on clearance last year so I was excited to find that.  I also found other decorations I had forgotten about so it felt like Christmas pulling those things out.
2) Rob's sister is due today with baby number 2, but so far nothing.  Trav was a day late and looks like this baby isn't ready to come out either.  If he/she isn't here by Tuesday, she will be induced.
3) I bought a Roku box last week so that my tv which has been sitting in the corner of the spare room since we got married could be used,  Then Rob learned that it had hunting channels and the game Angry Birds on it, and he wanted to watch/play those on the 42' tv as opposed to the 19' inch, so once again the tv is sitting unused ::facepalm:::
4) I got my flu shot yesterday.  I went to Target because I had a coupon for a free $10 gift card if I got my shot there.  Last year I got it at Meijer's and neither insurance (I had an overlap from my policy and being added to Rob's) covered it, so I wasn't even going to run the card, but when the pharmacist asked I said to try it, and it worked.  So my flu shot was covered and I got a $10 gift card.  It probably cost a gallon of gas to get there (which is about $4.00 here), but still worth it to me.
5) Netflix really needs to update some shows and add new seasons.  I've been watching for new seasons of Bones, How I Met Your Mother, Psych for a long time and nothing yet.

I also got a positive opk again this morning (36hrs after the first) and then this evening it was white in the test area.  Since I've started testing at day 11 I've had at least a faint line in the test area, but I'm hoping this means I did ovulate.  And this at least helped our timing by letting us hit an extra day or two.  I'll keep temping and if it's not confirmed by early next week, then I may start using opk's again.  I probably used 30 this cycle (double normal).  Thank you amazon for wondfo's.  So I guess we shall see if I get bfp#2(if o is confirmed) in a few weeks.  Doubtful but I can dream.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

A Positive Opk!!

Yesterday morning my line was the darkest it's been, (but not positive) and at lunch time it was so close that I wasn't sure, but I finally got a clear positive yesterday evening.  I tested this morning (15 hours later) and I got the darkest test line I think I've ever had.
So yeah for that!  I should have not been so whiny and all Debbie downer about the whole thing, because that feels a little silly to me now; I knew this might happen.  I've gotten +opk's between cycle days 16-19 in the past so getting +opk'a on days 22-23 isn't late much later.  While this doesn't mean I will ovulate this cycle, it still makes me happy!
Thanks for the encouragement lobo. :)

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Weird Pregnancy Dream

I had a dream that I was pregnant, only I didn't know it until the very end.  I don't know why or how I didn't know.  We went to tell my parents and I remember in the dream I was standing at the bottom of the deck steps and I said "I'm pregnant" and they said "When are you due?"  And then I said "Tomorrow" "They were quite shocked; I didn't have any signs of pregnancy.  I didn't even have any weight gain.  No way was I 40 weeks, but I was.
And then I was going to have the baby and we were going to deliver outside at the creek behind my parents house.  I swear my ob was Jenni from Jenni from the blog.  So I was being examined internally and the ob was like "Yep, healthy baby, good heartbeat, we will know soon if it's a boy or girl"  Heartbeat from an internal, say what?  (I know they do this early pregnancy, but I was full term).  I don't remember anything after this point.
In real life while I'd love to someday do a home-birth (but Rob isn't on board, so it won't be happening), I'm pretty sure an outdoor birth isn't happening.

My new niece/nephew should be born in the next week.  So excited about that!!!

And still no positive or even darker line on an opk.  It's CD21 now.  I'm tired of testing several times a day.  Temps aren't showing anything either.  I'm giving the opk's a few more days and then I may take a break from them and just temp.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

I missed this week's Friday Five

I really had nothing to say.  Nothing big or significant happened this week and I don't want to be repeating the same stuff over and over every week, although it may come down to it because  I think that I am that boring.  ha.

Yesterday we took a color tour, only about 30-40% of the colors were turning.   It was still fun.  We dove all the way to Lake Huron, and stopped at a random end of the road beach just to say we saw the lake.  We left our house about 10:30 and didn't get back until after 7.  We did make a casino detour.  Rob saw a sign and we went.  Of course we didn't win money, but we didn't really expect to anyway.

For the longest time I've been wanting to go to Bronner's  and was looking at the map and we were so close to it, but Rob was ready to go home.  When is the next time we will be over there.  We also drove right by Birch Run.  Seriously it was right next to the highway.  Ugh.

I did manage to get us all the way there and back just by reading the map.  We have a gps, but I was pretty proud of myself for not needing it.

On a baby related note, still no ovulation or even darker lines on an opk.  Cycle one I got a positive opk on day 19 and actually ovulated that day.  Cycle 2 I got positive opk's on days 16 & 17, and ovulated on day 19.  Ovulation is confirmed by temping and you don't confirm it until several days after you ovulate.  Today is day 19, and no positive opk's or even close to positives.  I know the miscarriage can mess things up,  but I don't think I'm even going to ovulate this cycle.  I should give it a few days.  I'll keep using opk's until then.

I was deleting some old text's today.  My phone has very little memory and I have to keep deleting them often.  I found some that were from the day after I found out I was pregnant  and was talking to my sister and I remember thinking how badly I wanted to tell her.  She had no clue because I was saying things like 'oh maybe this fall/winter we can try" and "I will chart so I'll probably know early but might not tell you etc..."Those made me a little sad, yet I kept them.  Maybe because I was so happy when I sent them.   I know I'll delete them, just not yet.

Speaking of my sister she is getting a little silly lately    And maybe she really is having a tough time, but all she does is sleep and complain of feeling sick.  She told me the other day she was sensitive to the smell of dirt.  And she probably really is those things, but as I've said I don't want to hear it because it makes me feel bummed out, and I think it's a little over the top anyway. (I haven't said this to her;  I told her I still wanted to hear about things because I didn't want her to have to tip-toe around me; I wish I hadn't) It's a good thing that she doesn't have to work, and  I know I won't get that luxury.

Rob told me we would go to Art Prize  today and even skipped church and then last minute he didn't want to go, so we didn't.  I tried to find someone to go with me, but no one was available.  I didn't really want to go by myself downtown.  I may go by myself anyway this week.

We did walk the nature trail in town though which we hadn't done before.  It's probably a mile, but it winds a lot through fields and tree's and is cute.

Thursday, September 27, 2012


Sometimes I feel like I can't be sad for the loss of my baby because it was so early and that it happens to a lot of women.

Today I'm feeling sad and I think it stems from jealously.  Rob's cousin just had a baby and my sister told my parent's today that she's pregnant.  So yeah I'm jealous that they are so happy, because I don't feel that way.  Not that I'm not happy for them, but sad for myself.  And I feel like I have to keep it to myself because Rob wouldn't understand.

I have no clue what is happening to my body this cycle.  I have no expectations for this cycle.  I don't even know if I will even ovulate.  And I know that happens.  But a few people on ttgp have gotten pregnant the cycle after a c/p and announced it recently.  So if it doesn't happen for me I'm going to be really bummed.  Even though I know that for every one woman who does there are probably 20 who don't

So really I'm just being irrational.

-And I'm feeling crappy wife guilt lately.  Mostly because I never take the time to make nice meals for him.  95% of what I cook comes from a can, a box or is frozen.  I have 2 days off a week, and while I use those to do errands,  or misc. organizing.  WHy am I not taking the time to make him something nice?  1) I'm cheap and homemade meals can be expensive if I cook meat.  2) I'm lazy.  I'd rather sit on the computer entering contests I won't win than cook him something.

So today I made a homemade salad (not fancy, but I did buy the lettuce and cut it up, and peppers and cut those up).  It's simple but it took me a while to do the cutting up.

I have spaghetti squash in the oven.  I got the squash from my parents.  I don't like squash, but I like spaghetti so we will see how this turns out.

-At church on Sunday we talked about how if we are anxious or arrogant than we aren't trusting God enough. And I struggle with the anxiousness.  I worry a lot about dumb things.  SO by worrying I'm telling God I don't trust that he can take care of me.  And it's true, and then I struggle with the arrogance because I just want to do everything for myself.  I even listened to the sermon again today because it's something I have issues with.   I want to tell God that I trust that he will take care of me, but I can't seem to let control go.  I'm scared of that.  Part of it is relevant to the whole trying to get pregnant issue, but it's also a money issue.  I haven't tithed much because I make less and I'm scared that I'll have to give up my indulgences if I do so.  Which really aren't that much (the internet and netflix).

Yeah, I know this post went in a ton of directions.  Sorry.

Monday, September 24, 2012

I love this girl.

Addie cracks me up.  She just turned 3 last month.
She LOVES bubble guppies.  Oddly the construction episode is her favorite (she's a girly girl).
Today she was watching it and dancing and telling me that she was a pink princess, I was a white princess and Troy (her 5 month old brother) was a tangerine.  As in the fruit.  That you eat.  Looks like Troy got the short end of the stick there.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Grandma turns 92

Celebrated my grandma's 92nd birthday on Sunday.  I can't imagine getting to be 92.  It's just crazy to me.
My grandma is such an inspiration to me.  She lived a life devoted to Christ and was key to me becoming the person who I was.  I never wanted to let her down and do things that may have dissaponted her.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Friday Five 9.21.12

1) I turned 27 this week.  It was a pretty good birthday.

2) I visited the kiddo's last week and Caleb & Karsyn hopped in my car, and Caleb left his ipod in my car, and I brought it back yesterday.  I realized how much I missed them and was really sad when I left.  I watched them for over 5 years, and even in a few weeks they have changed.

3) I also saw the Gate kid's yesterday for the first time in probably a month.  It's been a year since I started watching them.  As soon as I pulled into the driveway Nathan and Reagan came running out to see me.  I was tired after a few hours and may rethink wanting 4 kids someday though

4) Still no skydiving pictures.  I'm super annoyed and I'm about ready to lose it on them. Every time I call they say 'yep, they are ready to go out, you should have them in a few days'  I called on September 1, Rob called September 8, I called  September 11 & September 15 and I hear the same thing every time.  I managed to find a few random pictures on facebook, but the whole thing is totally ridiculous.  There is no way that it should be taking this long. Ali got her's over 2 weeks ago.  I emailed groupon this past week (the 15th) and they said that they contacted them on Tuesday (the 18th) and to give them 3 business days to hear back.  I haven't heard back from them yet.

5) I won a photo canvas, a years supply (I think 60 packs) of gum.  Stocking stuffers?  I also razor/shaving cream this week.  I don't really need any wedding pics printed, I'm thinking maybe a honeymoon one for the canvas. 

Tuesday, September 18, 2012


I'm not where I thought I would be at 27, but I'm mostly okay with that.
I really thought I would have kids at this point, but I guess we are working on it (speaking of which, I'm doing a TON better with the miscarriage, and I want to be pregnant again like now. ha).  There are people my age who have 4 kids.
I'm kind of having trouble feeling like a  grown up when I don't have what I would call a 'real' job.  Not that my job isn't important and I enjoy it.

I had a good birthday though.  On Sunday we went to Florentine's  with my parents, Ali & Jared, and Eric.  That is one of my favorite places to eat, but I've never been there on a Sunday. They have a great happy hour special menu and it was a great deal.

Yesterday Rob took me to PF Chang's for dinner.  Neither of us had been there, so it was fun to try something new.   I ordered the sweet and sour chicken and it turns out the red peppers are cooked in disinfectant   Okay not really, but they are cooked in ginger which is disgusting (although I do like ginger ale when I feel sick).

And even though I don't want to make a big deal about my birthday, I love (and would not admit this) that Rob called his family to remind them about it.  Husband points there.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Telling people

I told my sister what happened.  I told her via text.  I was scared to hit send.  I didn't want her to feel guilty or bad for talking about her pregnancy (she is almost 8 weeks).  I'm still excited for her and happy to be an aunt again.
She said she was glad I told her, and she was praying for me and that was one more exciting thing to look forward to in Heaven.
I know she'll tell Jared, but I don't think I'm ready for a lot of people to know.  I think when I am pregnant again and to the point after 13 weeks I will share what happened.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Friday Five 9.14.12

1) In case you've been MIA I had a miscarriage this week.  It was an early miscarriage (also refered to as a chemical pregnancy (c/p), but it doesn't make it any easier.  I can honestly say I was devastated, and I am not trying to be dramatic. But today was a much better day for me.  I didn't cry today.

2)Thursday was my sister in law's birthday.  I skipped the birthday dinner at her house and don't feel bad at all.  I won't feel bad because I did celebrate with her on Saturday, I still told her happy birthday, and I just can't be around her at the moment.  I love you Lisa, but seeing you at almost 37 weeks pregnant while I'm in the process of having a miscarriage wouldn't have been easy and I know you would understand.

3) I tried to paint our front door this week.  It had been faded from the sun and I thought a coat a paint would spruce it up.  It didn't.  The before was better than the after.  Had I put a second coat on it would help, but I ended up helping Lisa out on Tuesday because she was sick.  The other thing was that the door has this triangle pattern in it and it is not a smooth coat.

4) I am starting to really enjoy my job.  Not that I wasn't before, but getting into a routine helps.  Today when I was leaving A (who is 3) wanted to come out and wave goodbye and she tells me "I'm glad you came to my house."  Oh melts my heart.

5) Speaking of job's, I'm going to visit the kiddo's from the other job tomorrow.  It's been 2 weeks since I've seen them, which isn't a long time, but it's the longest I have gone without seeing them in 5+ years.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Can't control my emotions.

I know it's okay; and what I feel is normal.  A loss is a loss no matter how far along.
Just when I think I "might" be better.  I start crying.  I want my baby.

And all my internet friends on the bump have helped me more than I can believe.  Not all of them have experienced loss, but they all offered me some sort of support.  I think I bawled the most at that.

I called an ob/gyn office today because I don't have one.  They told me to go to the hospital. I won't do that because I don't think that is necessary.  There isn't anything they can do.  I'm bleeding but no more than a regular period, I have mild cramping, my back hurts, but nothing that I am concerned about.

Then I called my doctor's office and told them and they said that I could come in for blood work if I wanted, but I don't feel like that is necessary.

I will probably make an appointment at the ob/gyn sometime next week for a follow up to make sure we are okay to ttc again or if we should wait.  I want to be a mom but at the same time I feel like giving up.

Not that anyone ever thinks they will have a miscarriage, but I never thought I would be part of that club.

We got lucky on cycle 2 getting pregnant, and now we are back to square one.  Who knows how long it could take this time.

On one hand I am grateful that I didn't tell anyone in real life (IRL) that I was pregnant, on the other I had dreamed about getting to share that news and have that moment.

I don't know if I want to even tell anyone about the miscarriage.  Maybe if I get pregnant again and am at a safer point in the pregnancy.  I don't think I'll even share until 3-4 months along in that case.

Edit:  Okay I get that it isn't as big of a deal to Rob, but it's 9:00pm and he has not yet called me to see how I'm doing.  That makes me feel really hurt and resentful of him.