Infant and Pregnancy Loss Day

Today, October 15th is national Pregnancy and Infant loss day.

Today also marks exactly a year ago that I found out I was pregnant for the second time.  

It took me a while to really talk about the losses, in part because I didn't want pity, but also because I worried people would say I needed to get over them because they were so early and didn't really matter.

When I did share them, and I am comfortable talking about them now, I got nothing but support and love. Some were curious about how I knew so early, but never was there judging. 

I've learned never to assume someone had an easy time getting pregnant, because you don't always know the back story.  

I've never done this, but never tell someone they can try again or at least you know you can get pregnant, or it's for the best.   Terrible things to say.

Knowing I have a sweet one week old baby who I adore and can't believe is mine makes loss easier, but when I lost a 2nd pregnancy only a month after the first, I didn't know that I would get pregnant again or that I would carry a baby to term.  

There are lots of lists of things to say and do and not to say and do out there, but honestly just listening and being there is the best thing.  Don't give advice or if necessary don't even say anything.  Just be there. 

Bittersweet

I've known this day was coming for a while.  Since September actually, but it's still a little tough.

Tommorrow is the day that would have been my first due date.  My second due date would have been at the end of June (I got pregnant 2 cycles in a row).

I won't say it's easy to know that at this point I could possibly be holding my son or daughter, but being pregnant has helped somewhat.  Back when it first happened, I knew that if I wasn't pregnant by this point again it would be more difficult to get through. 

Rob's put it all past him, and I don't blame him or anything.  Honestly I kind of have too, mostly anyway, but I still think about it sometimes.

I'm so grateful this pregnancy has been pretty easy and that baby girl is growing and looking good.  She's moving more so that's always reassuring to me to feel her.

Without my losses I wouldn't have her, and for the love I already feel for her I can't imagine that.

I just want my other babies to somehow know that for the short time they were with me, I loved them so very much, and they will always be a part of my story. 

Finding out I'm pregnant

This is the post that for some reason I never wrote.  I meant to and never got around to it or forgot for some reason. 

Here is the post I wrote when I first found out & the details are below.

As you probably know it wasn't the easiest journey to this point.  I should say that getting pregnant wasn't that difficult.  It was the staying pregnant part that was.  This pregnancy happened on cycle 6.  I also got pregnant on cycles 2 &3.  So 50% of time time I was able to conceive.

I know the odds are 20% each cycle, but we had better odds I think due to the fact that I was charting and using opk's.  

Finding Out:

I tested that morning at 11dpo with a wondfo and thought I saw a line, but I thought I'd been seeing lines the last few days so I didn't really think it was positive.  I checked again fifteen minutes later (I know it was after the time limit) and it was faint, but clearly there.   So I walked out into the kitchen and told Rob:  'I think I got a positive pregnancy test.'  I held my pee and tested again with a frer an hour later and the second line was there. 

Timing:

Our timing was pretty good. We hit o-3,o-2,o-1, and o.  

What we did:

I temped, used opks, took pnvs, we had sex a lot, and I drank pom juice and lots of water.   I actually used bona dea as well (I didn't buy this; I won this).  I took it from a week or so into my cycle until I confirmed O. 

Symptoms:

I had cramps and backaches pretty much the whole 2ww.   I also had pregnancy related dreams three times the week I got the positive. 

Read about my first beta draw results here and the second in this post.

11dpo-16dpo

Setback

Sometimes I feel like I can't be sad for the loss of my baby because it was so early and that it happens to a lot of women.

Today I'm feeling sad and I think it stems from jealously.  Rob's cousin just had a baby and my sister told my parent's today that she's pregnant.  So yeah I'm jealous that they are so happy, because I don't feel that way.  Not that I'm not happy for them, but sad for myself.  And I feel like I have to keep it to myself because Rob wouldn't understand.

I have no clue what is happening to my body this cycle.  I have no expectations for this cycle.  I don't even know if I will even ovulate.  And I know that happens.  But a few people on ttgp have gotten pregnant the cycle after a c/p and announced it recently.  So if it doesn't happen for me I'm going to be really bummed.  Even though I know that for every one woman who does there are probably 20 who don't

So really I'm just being irrational.

-And I'm feeling crappy wife guilt lately.  Mostly because I never take the time to make nice meals for him.  95% of what I cook comes from a can, a box or is frozen.  I have 2 days off a week, and while I use those to do errands,  or misc. organizing.  WHy am I not taking the time to make him something nice?  1) I'm cheap and homemade meals can be expensive if I cook meat.  2) I'm lazy.  I'd rather sit on the computer entering contests I won't win than cook him something.

So today I made a homemade salad (not fancy, but I did buy the lettuce and cut it up, and peppers and cut those up).  It's simple but it took me a while to do the cutting up.

I have spaghetti squash in the oven.  I got the squash from my parents.  I don't like squash, but I like spaghetti so we will see how this turns out.

-At church on Sunday we talked about how if we are anxious or arrogant than we aren't trusting God enough. And I struggle with the anxiousness.  I worry a lot about dumb things.  SO by worrying I'm telling God I don't trust that he can take care of me.  And it's true, and then I struggle with the arrogance because I just want to do everything for myself.  I even listened to the sermon again today because it's something I have issues with.   I want to tell God that I trust that he will take care of me, but I can't seem to let control go.  I'm scared of that.  Part of it is relevant to the whole trying to get pregnant issue, but it's also a money issue.  I haven't tithed much because I make less and I'm scared that I'll have to give up my indulgences if I do so.  Which really aren't that much (the internet and netflix).

Yeah, I know this post went in a ton of directions.  Sorry.

Telling people

I told my sister what happened.  I told her via text.  I was scared to hit send.  I didn't want her to feel guilty or bad for talking about her pregnancy (she is almost 8 weeks).  I'm still excited for her and happy to be an aunt again.
She said she was glad I told her, and she was praying for me and that was one more exciting thing to look forward to in Heaven.
I know she'll tell Jared, but I don't think I'm ready for a lot of people to know.  I think when I am pregnant again and to the point after 13 weeks I will share what happened.

Friday Five 9.14.12

1) In case you've been MIA I had a miscarriage this week.  It was an early miscarriage (also refered to as a chemical pregnancy (c/p), but it doesn't make it any easier.  I can honestly say I was devastated, and I am not trying to be dramatic. But today was a much better day for me.  I didn't cry today.

2)Thursday was my sister in law's birthday.  I skipped the birthday dinner at her house and don't feel bad at all.  I won't feel bad because I did celebrate with her on Saturday, I still told her happy birthday, and I just can't be around her at the moment.  I love you Lisa, but seeing you at almost 37 weeks pregnant while I'm in the process of having a miscarriage wouldn't have been easy and I know you would understand.

3) I tried to paint our front door this week.  It had been faded from the sun and I thought a coat a paint would spruce it up.  It didn't.  The before was better than the after.  Had I put a second coat on it would help, but I ended up helping Lisa out on Tuesday because she was sick.  The other thing was that the door has this triangle pattern in it and it is not a smooth coat.

4) I am starting to really enjoy my job.  Not that I wasn't before, but getting into a routine helps.  Today when I was leaving A (who is 3) wanted to come out and wave goodbye and she tells me "I'm glad you came to my house."  Oh melts my heart.

5) Speaking of job's, I'm going to visit the kiddo's from the other job tomorrow.  It's been 2 weeks since I've seen them, which isn't a long time, but it's the longest I have gone without seeing them in 5+ years.

Can't control my emotions.

I know it's okay; and what I feel is normal.  A loss is a loss no matter how far along.
Just when I think I "might" be better.  I start crying.  I want my baby.

And all my internet friends on the bump have helped me more than I can believe.  Not all of them have experienced loss, but they all offered me some sort of support.  I think I bawled the most at that.

I called an ob/gyn office today because I don't have one.  They told me to go to the hospital. I won't do that because I don't think that is necessary.  There isn't anything they can do.  I'm bleeding but no more than a regular period, I have mild cramping, my back hurts, but nothing that I am concerned about.

Then I called my doctor's office and told them and they said that I could come in for blood work if I wanted, but I don't feel like that is necessary.

I will probably make an appointment at the ob/gyn sometime next week for a follow up to make sure we are okay to ttc again or if we should wait.  I want to be a mom but at the same time I feel like giving up.

Not that anyone ever thinks they will have a miscarriage, but I never thought I would be part of that club.

We got lucky on cycle 2 getting pregnant, and now we are back to square one.  Who knows how long it could take this time.

On one hand I am grateful that I didn't tell anyone in real life (IRL) that I was pregnant, on the other I had dreamed about getting to share that news and have that moment.

I don't know if I want to even tell anyone about the miscarriage.  Maybe if I get pregnant again and am at a safer point in the pregnancy.  I don't think I'll even share until 3-4 months along in that case.

Edit:  Okay I get that it isn't as big of a deal to Rob, but it's 9:00pm and he has not yet called me to see how I'm doing.  That makes me feel really hurt and resentful of him.

And it's over already...

My temps have dropped, I had pink spotting when I wiped after the bathroom, bad cramping, back aches etc.. today
I tested when I got home.  The wondfo was negative and the digital said 'not pregnant' and that really stung.
I know that nothing I did could have changed things, but I'm really sad and I cried of course.
Now I just need to wait for it to actually start.

And then I don't know what to do about my pregnancy posts, leave them up, delete them, what do I do with them?