32 weeks down, 8 to go!

How far along:  32 weeks

Baby Size: 

Weight:   I hit the 30lb mark this week. 

Symptoms:   Just once I would love to make it through a day without crying.  

Maternity Clothes:  Pretty much only them.

Sleep:  The restless leg thing got really bad this week, and with the girl moving so much I can't sleep.  4 hours is the new normal.

I tried the unisom and it worked last night.  I was still up a few times, but was able to fall back asleep each time.

Cravings/Food Aversions:   Pizza again this week.

Belly Button:  It's doing a half in/half out sort of thing

Rings on or off: On when I am out of the house.  Off when I'm home, but I don't usually wear them at home. 

Gender:  Girl

Name:  Eleanor Rose

Movement: Girl must think she's a gymnast or something.  I've had a few that are actually painful. 

Stretch Marks: I have some on my left hip. 

Best moment: My first baby shower was on Sunday. 

Looking forward to:  Meeting her

Nervous about:  Money

What I miss:  Bending over.


Labor signs: Not yet

Appointments:  I had an appointment last week. The nurse was finishing up taking my blood pressure when my doctor peeked in and said he had to go to the hospital for a c-section (he was the on-call).  I was actually annoyed because I knew that the appointment would have only taken a few minutes, but instead I had to wait 20 minutes for the nurse practitioner to come in, just to check the heart and measure me.  Baby measured right on track at 31 weeks and the heartrate was in the 140's which is where it usually is. 

Misc:  I have been trying to walk, but failing horribly.  I am super slow (like unde 2mph) and can usually only go 1/2 mile before I have to stop.  I just walk up and down my neighborhood so I'm never very far away from the house.  I need to take a few short walks everyday to get it in. 

Bittersweet

I've known this day was coming for a while.  Since September actually, but it's still a little tough.

Tommorrow is the day that would have been my first due date.  My second due date would have been at the end of June (I got pregnant 2 cycles in a row).

I won't say it's easy to know that at this point I could possibly be holding my son or daughter, but being pregnant has helped somewhat.  Back when it first happened, I knew that if I wasn't pregnant by this point again it would be more difficult to get through. 

Rob's put it all past him, and I don't blame him or anything.  Honestly I kind of have too, mostly anyway, but I still think about it sometimes.

I'm so grateful this pregnancy has been pretty easy and that baby girl is growing and looking good.  She's moving more so that's always reassuring to me to feel her.

Without my losses I wouldn't have her, and for the love I already feel for her I can't imagine that.

I just want my other babies to somehow know that for the short time they were with me, I loved them so very much, and they will always be a part of my story. 

Setback

Sometimes I feel like I can't be sad for the loss of my baby because it was so early and that it happens to a lot of women.

Today I'm feeling sad and I think it stems from jealously.  Rob's cousin just had a baby and my sister told my parent's today that she's pregnant.  So yeah I'm jealous that they are so happy, because I don't feel that way.  Not that I'm not happy for them, but sad for myself.  And I feel like I have to keep it to myself because Rob wouldn't understand.

I have no clue what is happening to my body this cycle.  I have no expectations for this cycle.  I don't even know if I will even ovulate.  And I know that happens.  But a few people on ttgp have gotten pregnant the cycle after a c/p and announced it recently.  So if it doesn't happen for me I'm going to be really bummed.  Even though I know that for every one woman who does there are probably 20 who don't

So really I'm just being irrational.

-And I'm feeling crappy wife guilt lately.  Mostly because I never take the time to make nice meals for him.  95% of what I cook comes from a can, a box or is frozen.  I have 2 days off a week, and while I use those to do errands,  or misc. organizing.  WHy am I not taking the time to make him something nice?  1) I'm cheap and homemade meals can be expensive if I cook meat.  2) I'm lazy.  I'd rather sit on the computer entering contests I won't win than cook him something.

So today I made a homemade salad (not fancy, but I did buy the lettuce and cut it up, and peppers and cut those up).  It's simple but it took me a while to do the cutting up.

I have spaghetti squash in the oven.  I got the squash from my parents.  I don't like squash, but I like spaghetti so we will see how this turns out.

-At church on Sunday we talked about how if we are anxious or arrogant than we aren't trusting God enough. And I struggle with the anxiousness.  I worry a lot about dumb things.  SO by worrying I'm telling God I don't trust that he can take care of me.  And it's true, and then I struggle with the arrogance because I just want to do everything for myself.  I even listened to the sermon again today because it's something I have issues with.   I want to tell God that I trust that he will take care of me, but I can't seem to let control go.  I'm scared of that.  Part of it is relevant to the whole trying to get pregnant issue, but it's also a money issue.  I haven't tithed much because I make less and I'm scared that I'll have to give up my indulgences if I do so.  Which really aren't that much (the internet and netflix).

Yeah, I know this post went in a ton of directions.  Sorry.