Thursday, September 27, 2012


Sometimes I feel like I can't be sad for the loss of my baby because it was so early and that it happens to a lot of women.

Today I'm feeling sad and I think it stems from jealously.  Rob's cousin just had a baby and my sister told my parent's today that she's pregnant.  So yeah I'm jealous that they are so happy, because I don't feel that way.  Not that I'm not happy for them, but sad for myself.  And I feel like I have to keep it to myself because Rob wouldn't understand.

I have no clue what is happening to my body this cycle.  I have no expectations for this cycle.  I don't even know if I will even ovulate.  And I know that happens.  But a few people on ttgp have gotten pregnant the cycle after a c/p and announced it recently.  So if it doesn't happen for me I'm going to be really bummed.  Even though I know that for every one woman who does there are probably 20 who don't

So really I'm just being irrational.

-And I'm feeling crappy wife guilt lately.  Mostly because I never take the time to make nice meals for him.  95% of what I cook comes from a can, a box or is frozen.  I have 2 days off a week, and while I use those to do errands,  or misc. organizing.  WHy am I not taking the time to make him something nice?  1) I'm cheap and homemade meals can be expensive if I cook meat.  2) I'm lazy.  I'd rather sit on the computer entering contests I won't win than cook him something.

So today I made a homemade salad (not fancy, but I did buy the lettuce and cut it up, and peppers and cut those up).  It's simple but it took me a while to do the cutting up.

I have spaghetti squash in the oven.  I got the squash from my parents.  I don't like squash, but I like spaghetti so we will see how this turns out.

-At church on Sunday we talked about how if we are anxious or arrogant than we aren't trusting God enough. And I struggle with the anxiousness.  I worry a lot about dumb things.  SO by worrying I'm telling God I don't trust that he can take care of me.  And it's true, and then I struggle with the arrogance because I just want to do everything for myself.  I even listened to the sermon again today because it's something I have issues with.   I want to tell God that I trust that he will take care of me, but I can't seem to let control go.  I'm scared of that.  Part of it is relevant to the whole trying to get pregnant issue, but it's also a money issue.  I haven't tithed much because I make less and I'm scared that I'll have to give up my indulgences if I do so.  Which really aren't that much (the internet and netflix).

Yeah, I know this post went in a ton of directions.  Sorry.

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