Sometimes I feel like I can't be sad for the loss of my baby because it was so early and that it happens to a lot of women.
Today I'm feeling sad and I think it stems from jealously. Rob's cousin just had a baby and my sister told my parent's today that she's pregnant. So yeah I'm jealous that they are so happy, because I don't feel that way. Not that I'm not happy for them, but sad for myself. And I feel like I have to keep it to myself because Rob wouldn't understand.
I have no clue what is happening to my body this cycle. I have no expectations for this cycle. I don't even know if I will even ovulate. And I know that happens. But a few people on ttgp have gotten pregnant the cycle after a c/p and announced it recently. So if it doesn't happen for me I'm going to be really bummed. Even though I know that for every one woman who does there are probably 20 who don't
So really I'm just being irrational.
-And I'm feeling crappy wife guilt lately. Mostly because I never take the time to make nice meals for him. 95% of what I cook comes from a can, a box or is frozen. I have 2 days off a week, and while I use those to do errands, or misc. organizing. WHy am I not taking the time to make him something nice? 1) I'm cheap and homemade meals can be expensive if I cook meat. 2) I'm lazy. I'd rather sit on the computer entering contests I won't win than cook him something.
So today I made a homemade salad (not fancy, but I did buy the lettuce and cut it up, and peppers and cut those up). It's simple but it took me a while to do the cutting up.
I have spaghetti squash in the oven. I got the squash from my parents. I don't like squash, but I like spaghetti so we will see how this turns out.
-At church on Sunday we talked about how if we are anxious or arrogant than we aren't trusting God enough. And I struggle with the anxiousness. I worry a lot about dumb things. SO by worrying I'm telling God I don't trust that he can take care of me. And it's true, and then I struggle with the arrogance because I just want to do everything for myself. I even listened to the sermon again today because it's something I have issues with. I want to tell God that I trust that he will take care of me, but I can't seem to let control go. I'm scared of that. Part of it is relevant to the whole trying to get pregnant issue, but it's also a money issue. I haven't tithed much because I make less and I'm scared that I'll have to give up my indulgences if I do so. Which really aren't that much (the internet and netflix).
Yeah, I know this post went in a ton of directions. Sorry.