Starting to Struggle

I'll be honest.  I'm struggling a little.  No one wants to admit they can't handle what life throws at them, but I'm starting to feel overwhelmed.


Oh and I'm not good at organizing my thoughts so they may jump around

If you missed my post earlier this week here's the recap.  Rob's been sick for about a month, and has been in the hospital several times.  He's missed close to two weeks of work in that time frame, and when he does work he either goes in late or comes home early.  He get's home exhausted and in pain and spends the rest of the night unable to do anything.  This means I am caring for Eleanor on my own. 

On Tuesday morning I took him back to the hospital and he's still there. 

Last night I started to feel super overwhelmed on the way back from my daily hospital visit.  I want to stay with Rob but I have a baby to get back to.  I'm feeling torn and I started to cry on the way home.  I'm sad for my husband that he has to deal with so much pain and scared that he's not getting better (and really he's getting worse).



I'm exhausted mentally because the only free time I get is late at night or the occasional nap time.  I guess technically I've had free time, but I spend it driving to the hospital, visiting Rob and driving home.  And it's never enough like I said.  I hate leaving my husband there alone, but I can't take advantage of my parents help since they have been over everyday this week.  They are tired and have their own stuff going on too.  And really, I need to be here for Eleanor too

I have been thankful for technology this week because Eleanor has been able to see Rob via facetime. She babbles and chats when she sees him so I know that makes him happy.

And this morning as I'm trying to find a babysitter Rob texts me asking if I can bring her down.  He hadn't seen her in several days and missed her.  So I brought her down.   She was really well behaved (that container of snacks probably helped), and was really happy.  She kept looking up at Rob like she thought he was going to leave her.  It made me sad, but the joy from both of them was worth it. I was happy I could do that, and it made me feel a teeny bit better.

I suppose in the scheme of things I'm doing okay.  I haven't been annoyed at him since that post or frustrated.  I don't know if it sounds bad, but I'm thankful he's been in the hospital because I know he needs to be there.  I miss him at home, but at least there I don't have to worry as much (although I still do).

I don't tell Rob any of this because he doesn't need the stress of it.  Financially we are going to struggle these next few months, but God has already been providing and I am daily reminded of that.  We have family who have been gracious and offered their help (not just financially, but however we need).  I don't love the idea of asking for help, but I know they want to or they wouldn't have offered.  Keep sending us prayers and good vibes. 

Changing My Tune: Supporting A Sick Husband

A month and a half or so ago Rob decided to eat healthier and instead of fast food for lunch got salads and fruit.  A week later Rob started to feel have stomach pain, and asked about it at his yearly physical, and was told it was most likely do to the diet change.

But the pain didn't get better, and instead got much worse.  He couldn't work and when he did work he would come home early and be done for.  He'd be in bed or on the couch until the next morning.  He skipped birthday parties and hanging out with friends.

Then we went to the ER (on the 12th) and found out there was some colon problems.  This from a cat scan, and blood work.  Two days later he was able to get in for a colonoscopy (a miracle that he got in so soon!).  The diagnosis:  Pan Colitis (ulcerative colitis).  At this point he has about 4 different medications (pain and anti-inflammatory).  

And still he doesn't get better.  Cue more labs and prescriptions and days off work or leaving early.

Oh and cue me being beyond stressed because he's unable to provide  care for Eleanor.  On a good day I can take a quick shower while she plays on the floor and Rob's on the couch without her banging on the door or Rob needing the bathroom.

And it's taking a toll on our marriage as well.  I'm stressed and annoyed at him for getting to sit down.  It's irrational I know.  I know he's in pain, but every moan he makes causes me to roll my eyes.  Oh sure I'm acting the loving wife and getting what he needs & dealing with Eleanor.

Then this weekend I started to feel guilty.  It's not his fault and I can't add more stress to his plate.  So I'm changing my tune and showing him more support and not rolling my eyes and complaining.

He might not have done what I needed for me those times I was sick or in pain in the past, but I'm not doing this as something to throw in his face.

I couldn't fall asleep last night, and when I finally did Rob woke me up in pain and back to the ER we went this morning at 4 am.  (So thankful for my dad for staying with Eleanor-  he just retired from being  a third shifter and so he doesn't sleep well at night and was awake when I called him)

It's taken a physical toll on him (he's lost 20 lbs in a month), a mental toll on me and it's been a struggle financially.  This is a time of year where we have higher bills due to energy and heating costs, car insurance and the holidays.

So prayers for all of us will be much appreciated and if you have advice or tips on dealing with this please leave me a comment.

Weekly Wrap Up 9/7

1) This was a good week for winnings.

 I finally got the headbands I won. I think they are adorable, but it took 6 weeks to get them and I was a little disappointed in that, even though they were free.

I also got the prize pack I won from betty crocker that included oven mitts, an apron, a $10 wal-mart gift card, and baking mixes for chocolate chip cookies, berry muffins and cheesy biscuits.

And I also got a Kandoo prize pack with flushable wipes and shampoo (which I don't have a picture of) & a beauty prize pack which had lotion, nail polish, and lip shimmer.  Crazy thing is that it came from the next town over.

Finally I got this car seat cover (I didn't take this picture, but this is almost like the one I got).  The handle hook part on mine is the polka dot material).   Super cute!

I also won a care bears dvd, baby wash,a $100 amazon gift card, and a $5 amazon gift card as well.

2) We didn't do much this Labor Day weekend at all.  Saturday and Monday we just lounged around the house.  Sunday we went up to his grandparents house on a lake and hung out there for the afternoon.

3) I think nesting has kicked in.  I've organized the newborn clothes, cleaned the bathroom linen closet, sorted the mail and magazines.  I get free subscriptions to magazines sometimes so I have a huge stack of them.  I don't have the time to read them all so I decided to sort through them and pass them along.

One of the ones I did keep was this one.  You can click here for a free subscription.  I like this one because it is a small magazine and easy to read.  I have a subscription to Shape magazine, but at this point skinny women in bikini's (which is every single cover) isn't helping my self-confidence so I want those ones gone. Haha.

4) We had the hospital tour this week.  It was nice to do, but at the same time kind of freaked me out a little.  I can't believe that I will be back there in just a few weeks. Eek!

5) I posted at the beginning of the week about how I was going to make an effort to be more positive.  I've been pretty successful with it so far.  I don't think Rob has noticed, but I think I've noticed a change in myself.

6) My car is at the shop this weekend.  I met Rob on Thursday after my appointment for lunch and we switched cars so he could fix the burned out blinker bulb and then decided to have it painted while it was there, since I'm not working and don't really need it.  Last summer the clear coat started to bubble and peel on the hood and 2/3 of the paint is gone.  The back bumper is also going to be repainted as well.  

I'm so excited to have a nice pretty car again.  Since my birthday is in a week and a half, I guess I'm going to consider this my birthday gift, since it's probably not super cheap, but I am totally okay with that. 

And since Rob works at a car lot/repair shop he can borrow one of the vehicles so I'm not without a vehicle. 

My trip to the hospital

Saturday I started to feel a lot if stomach pressure. I first thought my jeans were to tight and put in sweatpants and that did sort of help.

But it didn't completely go away. It felt like gas pain/cramps. 

I spent all night in pain and thinking if i could just fart (I know that's exciting) I would feel so much better.

But at 6:30 Sunday I still didn't feel any better and called the on call doctor who said to go in to be checked out.  So I woke up rob and we went to the hospital about 30 minutes away.  

I actually felt a little better on the way but it didn't last long.  The doctor had called ahead and so they were waiting for me, which was nice.

They took a urine sample and hooked me up to a contraction monitor and a fetal heart rate monitor. 

Baby had a good heart rate and I was only having a few sporadic contractions.

They checked to see if I was dialated and I wasn't and the urine sample was fine.

So in the end I left with no real answers other than it wasn't preterm labor (which I never thought it was), and was just possibly ligaments stretching or dehydration or some other pregnancy thing. I knew it was going to be something silly, but the pain was that bad.

I spent the entire day in bed except for a bath which didn't do much for the pain but still felt nice.

I'll do what it takes but just laying there thinking about all the work that needed to be done was tough, especially waking up this morning and seeing it all still there.

Rob was awesome though, and really took care of me.  He almost didn't come home that night from my sister/brother in laws so I'm really happy he did so he could take me to the hospital.

I'm feeling a lot better this morning, still a little crampy, but not to the point it's affecting what I do, so I'm hoping that was it for pregnancy problems and that the next time that we go to the hospital we leave with baby girl.

I actually have a regular appointment scheduled for tomorrow any way so I'll just follow up with my doctor then.

Oh and I learned that I will not be having an un-medicated childbirth.  If I couldn't handle this pain, no way can I handle that.  Bring on the drugs!