Hoping for a better year in 2015

So it's been weeks since I posted and there is an explanation.

I mentioned a while ago about Rob having some health issues.  From the end of September when they began until early December we made 6 er trips, 4 requiring hospitalization. We spent so much money on pain medications and prescriptions flying past that deductible.   Doctors visits were at least weekly plus lab work and everything.

At the beginning of the December the decision was made to remove his colon and he had surgery.  He spent a few more weeks in the hospital recovering.  During the surgery part of his pancreas was damaged so blood sugar levels are now a issue and he takes insulin (although the hope is this isn't permanent and has to monitor his blood sugar levels multiple times a day.

The week after the surgery he had a blood transfusion as well which he was really hesitant to do but knew he needed it.

He hasn't worked in months (since shortly after Eleanor's birthday).   He's slowly getting stronger, but is still down 50lbs from when this started and doesn't really have much energy.  Really we only leave the house to go to the weekly appointments.

This week he was able to get his drain out that was put in due to fluid build up the week after the surgery.  That was a huge boost to his spirits because without it he can move around so much better.  The tubing doesn't hang down and get in his way and catch on things.  

He still has the illestomy bag and will until the summertime.  He will need two more surgeries before he can get rid of that.

On top of his constant frustration at being in pain all.the.time comes the stress at having no income (although the generosity shown to us by friends, family and stranger has been so unbelievably amazing.  Seriously we have been constantly overwhelmed and blown away).

I am going to start a babysitting job soon which won't bring in much money at all and will be a lot of work, but it's something and will cover a few of our smaller expenses.

As far as me I've struggled too.  I feel like I get overlooked by most in this process but it's been really tough on me.  I have had to do almost 100% of Eleanor's care.  I have to take care of her, and Rob.  It's been hard to balance their needs.  And constantly having to be 'on' means no mental break for me.  Rob can't even lift her - although now he is able to sometimes sit on the floor with her - so I can't even have him watch her for a few minutes while I run to the store or something.

Anyway 2014 didn't end on the best of notes, but I'm optimistic that 2015 WILL be better.

Starting to Struggle

I'll be honest.  I'm struggling a little.  No one wants to admit they can't handle what life throws at them, but I'm starting to feel overwhelmed.


Oh and I'm not good at organizing my thoughts so they may jump around

If you missed my post earlier this week here's the recap.  Rob's been sick for about a month, and has been in the hospital several times.  He's missed close to two weeks of work in that time frame, and when he does work he either goes in late or comes home early.  He get's home exhausted and in pain and spends the rest of the night unable to do anything.  This means I am caring for Eleanor on my own. 

On Tuesday morning I took him back to the hospital and he's still there. 

Last night I started to feel super overwhelmed on the way back from my daily hospital visit.  I want to stay with Rob but I have a baby to get back to.  I'm feeling torn and I started to cry on the way home.  I'm sad for my husband that he has to deal with so much pain and scared that he's not getting better (and really he's getting worse).



I'm exhausted mentally because the only free time I get is late at night or the occasional nap time.  I guess technically I've had free time, but I spend it driving to the hospital, visiting Rob and driving home.  And it's never enough like I said.  I hate leaving my husband there alone, but I can't take advantage of my parents help since they have been over everyday this week.  They are tired and have their own stuff going on too.  And really, I need to be here for Eleanor too

I have been thankful for technology this week because Eleanor has been able to see Rob via facetime. She babbles and chats when she sees him so I know that makes him happy.

And this morning as I'm trying to find a babysitter Rob texts me asking if I can bring her down.  He hadn't seen her in several days and missed her.  So I brought her down.   She was really well behaved (that container of snacks probably helped), and was really happy.  She kept looking up at Rob like she thought he was going to leave her.  It made me sad, but the joy from both of them was worth it. I was happy I could do that, and it made me feel a teeny bit better.

I suppose in the scheme of things I'm doing okay.  I haven't been annoyed at him since that post or frustrated.  I don't know if it sounds bad, but I'm thankful he's been in the hospital because I know he needs to be there.  I miss him at home, but at least there I don't have to worry as much (although I still do).

I don't tell Rob any of this because he doesn't need the stress of it.  Financially we are going to struggle these next few months, but God has already been providing and I am daily reminded of that.  We have family who have been gracious and offered their help (not just financially, but however we need).  I don't love the idea of asking for help, but I know they want to or they wouldn't have offered.  Keep sending us prayers and good vibes. 

Changing My Tune: Supporting A Sick Husband

A month and a half or so ago Rob decided to eat healthier and instead of fast food for lunch got salads and fruit.  A week later Rob started to feel have stomach pain, and asked about it at his yearly physical, and was told it was most likely do to the diet change.

But the pain didn't get better, and instead got much worse.  He couldn't work and when he did work he would come home early and be done for.  He'd be in bed or on the couch until the next morning.  He skipped birthday parties and hanging out with friends.

Then we went to the ER (on the 12th) and found out there was some colon problems.  This from a cat scan, and blood work.  Two days later he was able to get in for a colonoscopy (a miracle that he got in so soon!).  The diagnosis:  Pan Colitis (ulcerative colitis).  At this point he has about 4 different medications (pain and anti-inflammatory).  

And still he doesn't get better.  Cue more labs and prescriptions and days off work or leaving early.

Oh and cue me being beyond stressed because he's unable to provide  care for Eleanor.  On a good day I can take a quick shower while she plays on the floor and Rob's on the couch without her banging on the door or Rob needing the bathroom.

And it's taking a toll on our marriage as well.  I'm stressed and annoyed at him for getting to sit down.  It's irrational I know.  I know he's in pain, but every moan he makes causes me to roll my eyes.  Oh sure I'm acting the loving wife and getting what he needs & dealing with Eleanor.

Then this weekend I started to feel guilty.  It's not his fault and I can't add more stress to his plate.  So I'm changing my tune and showing him more support and not rolling my eyes and complaining.

He might not have done what I needed for me those times I was sick or in pain in the past, but I'm not doing this as something to throw in his face.

I couldn't fall asleep last night, and when I finally did Rob woke me up in pain and back to the ER we went this morning at 4 am.  (So thankful for my dad for staying with Eleanor-  he just retired from being  a third shifter and so he doesn't sleep well at night and was awake when I called him)

It's taken a physical toll on him (he's lost 20 lbs in a month), a mental toll on me and it's been a struggle financially.  This is a time of year where we have higher bills due to energy and heating costs, car insurance and the holidays.

So prayers for all of us will be much appreciated and if you have advice or tips on dealing with this please leave me a comment.