Sunday, September 30, 2012

I missed this week's Friday Five

I really had nothing to say.  Nothing big or significant happened this week and I don't want to be repeating the same stuff over and over every week, although it may come down to it because  I think that I am that boring.  ha.

Yesterday we took a color tour, only about 30-40% of the colors were turning.   It was still fun.  We dove all the way to Lake Huron, and stopped at a random end of the road beach just to say we saw the lake.  We left our house about 10:30 and didn't get back until after 7.  We did make a casino detour.  Rob saw a sign and we went.  Of course we didn't win money, but we didn't really expect to anyway.

For the longest time I've been wanting to go to Bronner's  and was looking at the map and we were so close to it, but Rob was ready to go home.  When is the next time we will be over there.  We also drove right by Birch Run.  Seriously it was right next to the highway.  Ugh.

I did manage to get us all the way there and back just by reading the map.  We have a gps, but I was pretty proud of myself for not needing it.

On a baby related note, still no ovulation or even darker lines on an opk.  Cycle one I got a positive opk on day 19 and actually ovulated that day.  Cycle 2 I got positive opk's on days 16 & 17, and ovulated on day 19.  Ovulation is confirmed by temping and you don't confirm it until several days after you ovulate.  Today is day 19, and no positive opk's or even close to positives.  I know the miscarriage can mess things up,  but I don't think I'm even going to ovulate this cycle.  I should give it a few days.  I'll keep using opk's until then.

I was deleting some old text's today.  My phone has very little memory and I have to keep deleting them often.  I found some that were from the day after I found out I was pregnant  and was talking to my sister and I remember thinking how badly I wanted to tell her.  She had no clue because I was saying things like 'oh maybe this fall/winter we can try" and "I will chart so I'll probably know early but might not tell you etc..."Those made me a little sad, yet I kept them.  Maybe because I was so happy when I sent them.   I know I'll delete them, just not yet.

Speaking of my sister she is getting a little silly lately    And maybe she really is having a tough time, but all she does is sleep and complain of feeling sick.  She told me the other day she was sensitive to the smell of dirt.  And she probably really is those things, but as I've said I don't want to hear it because it makes me feel bummed out, and I think it's a little over the top anyway. (I haven't said this to her;  I told her I still wanted to hear about things because I didn't want her to have to tip-toe around me; I wish I hadn't) It's a good thing that she doesn't have to work, and  I know I won't get that luxury.

Rob told me we would go to Art Prize  today and even skipped church and then last minute he didn't want to go, so we didn't.  I tried to find someone to go with me, but no one was available.  I didn't really want to go by myself downtown.  I may go by myself anyway this week.

We did walk the nature trail in town though which we hadn't done before.  It's probably a mile, but it winds a lot through fields and tree's and is cute.

Thursday, September 27, 2012


Sometimes I feel like I can't be sad for the loss of my baby because it was so early and that it happens to a lot of women.

Today I'm feeling sad and I think it stems from jealously.  Rob's cousin just had a baby and my sister told my parent's today that she's pregnant.  So yeah I'm jealous that they are so happy, because I don't feel that way.  Not that I'm not happy for them, but sad for myself.  And I feel like I have to keep it to myself because Rob wouldn't understand.

I have no clue what is happening to my body this cycle.  I have no expectations for this cycle.  I don't even know if I will even ovulate.  And I know that happens.  But a few people on ttgp have gotten pregnant the cycle after a c/p and announced it recently.  So if it doesn't happen for me I'm going to be really bummed.  Even though I know that for every one woman who does there are probably 20 who don't

So really I'm just being irrational.

-And I'm feeling crappy wife guilt lately.  Mostly because I never take the time to make nice meals for him.  95% of what I cook comes from a can, a box or is frozen.  I have 2 days off a week, and while I use those to do errands,  or misc. organizing.  WHy am I not taking the time to make him something nice?  1) I'm cheap and homemade meals can be expensive if I cook meat.  2) I'm lazy.  I'd rather sit on the computer entering contests I won't win than cook him something.

So today I made a homemade salad (not fancy, but I did buy the lettuce and cut it up, and peppers and cut those up).  It's simple but it took me a while to do the cutting up.

I have spaghetti squash in the oven.  I got the squash from my parents.  I don't like squash, but I like spaghetti so we will see how this turns out.

-At church on Sunday we talked about how if we are anxious or arrogant than we aren't trusting God enough. And I struggle with the anxiousness.  I worry a lot about dumb things.  SO by worrying I'm telling God I don't trust that he can take care of me.  And it's true, and then I struggle with the arrogance because I just want to do everything for myself.  I even listened to the sermon again today because it's something I have issues with.   I want to tell God that I trust that he will take care of me, but I can't seem to let control go.  I'm scared of that.  Part of it is relevant to the whole trying to get pregnant issue, but it's also a money issue.  I haven't tithed much because I make less and I'm scared that I'll have to give up my indulgences if I do so.  Which really aren't that much (the internet and netflix).

Yeah, I know this post went in a ton of directions.  Sorry.

Monday, September 24, 2012

I love this girl.

Addie cracks me up.  She just turned 3 last month.
She LOVES bubble guppies.  Oddly the construction episode is her favorite (she's a girly girl).
Today she was watching it and dancing and telling me that she was a pink princess, I was a white princess and Troy (her 5 month old brother) was a tangerine.  As in the fruit.  That you eat.  Looks like Troy got the short end of the stick there.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Grandma turns 92

Celebrated my grandma's 92nd birthday on Sunday.  I can't imagine getting to be 92.  It's just crazy to me.
My grandma is such an inspiration to me.  She lived a life devoted to Christ and was key to me becoming the person who I was.  I never wanted to let her down and do things that may have dissaponted her.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Friday Five 9.21.12

1) I turned 27 this week.  It was a pretty good birthday.

2) I visited the kiddo's last week and Caleb & Karsyn hopped in my car, and Caleb left his ipod in my car, and I brought it back yesterday.  I realized how much I missed them and was really sad when I left.  I watched them for over 5 years, and even in a few weeks they have changed.

3) I also saw the Gate kid's yesterday for the first time in probably a month.  It's been a year since I started watching them.  As soon as I pulled into the driveway Nathan and Reagan came running out to see me.  I was tired after a few hours and may rethink wanting 4 kids someday though

4) Still no skydiving pictures.  I'm super annoyed and I'm about ready to lose it on them. Every time I call they say 'yep, they are ready to go out, you should have them in a few days'  I called on September 1, Rob called September 8, I called  September 11 & September 15 and I hear the same thing every time.  I managed to find a few random pictures on facebook, but the whole thing is totally ridiculous.  There is no way that it should be taking this long. Ali got her's over 2 weeks ago.  I emailed groupon this past week (the 15th) and they said that they contacted them on Tuesday (the 18th) and to give them 3 business days to hear back.  I haven't heard back from them yet.

5) I won a photo canvas, a years supply (I think 60 packs) of gum.  Stocking stuffers?  I also razor/shaving cream this week.  I don't really need any wedding pics printed, I'm thinking maybe a honeymoon one for the canvas. 

Tuesday, September 18, 2012


I'm not where I thought I would be at 27, but I'm mostly okay with that.
I really thought I would have kids at this point, but I guess we are working on it (speaking of which, I'm doing a TON better with the miscarriage, and I want to be pregnant again like now. ha).  There are people my age who have 4 kids.
I'm kind of having trouble feeling like a  grown up when I don't have what I would call a 'real' job.  Not that my job isn't important and I enjoy it.

I had a good birthday though.  On Sunday we went to Florentine's  with my parents, Ali & Jared, and Eric.  That is one of my favorite places to eat, but I've never been there on a Sunday. They have a great happy hour special menu and it was a great deal.

Yesterday Rob took me to PF Chang's for dinner.  Neither of us had been there, so it was fun to try something new.   I ordered the sweet and sour chicken and it turns out the red peppers are cooked in disinfectant   Okay not really, but they are cooked in ginger which is disgusting (although I do like ginger ale when I feel sick).

And even though I don't want to make a big deal about my birthday, I love (and would not admit this) that Rob called his family to remind them about it.  Husband points there.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Telling people

I told my sister what happened.  I told her via text.  I was scared to hit send.  I didn't want her to feel guilty or bad for talking about her pregnancy (she is almost 8 weeks).  I'm still excited for her and happy to be an aunt again.
She said she was glad I told her, and she was praying for me and that was one more exciting thing to look forward to in Heaven.
I know she'll tell Jared, but I don't think I'm ready for a lot of people to know.  I think when I am pregnant again and to the point after 13 weeks I will share what happened.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Friday Five 9.14.12

1) In case you've been MIA I had a miscarriage this week.  It was an early miscarriage (also refered to as a chemical pregnancy (c/p), but it doesn't make it any easier.  I can honestly say I was devastated, and I am not trying to be dramatic. But today was a much better day for me.  I didn't cry today.

2)Thursday was my sister in law's birthday.  I skipped the birthday dinner at her house and don't feel bad at all.  I won't feel bad because I did celebrate with her on Saturday, I still told her happy birthday, and I just can't be around her at the moment.  I love you Lisa, but seeing you at almost 37 weeks pregnant while I'm in the process of having a miscarriage wouldn't have been easy and I know you would understand.

3) I tried to paint our front door this week.  It had been faded from the sun and I thought a coat a paint would spruce it up.  It didn't.  The before was better than the after.  Had I put a second coat on it would help, but I ended up helping Lisa out on Tuesday because she was sick.  The other thing was that the door has this triangle pattern in it and it is not a smooth coat.

4) I am starting to really enjoy my job.  Not that I wasn't before, but getting into a routine helps.  Today when I was leaving A (who is 3) wanted to come out and wave goodbye and she tells me "I'm glad you came to my house."  Oh melts my heart.

5) Speaking of job's, I'm going to visit the kiddo's from the other job tomorrow.  It's been 2 weeks since I've seen them, which isn't a long time, but it's the longest I have gone without seeing them in 5+ years.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Can't control my emotions.

I know it's okay; and what I feel is normal.  A loss is a loss no matter how far along.
Just when I think I "might" be better.  I start crying.  I want my baby.

And all my internet friends on the bump have helped me more than I can believe.  Not all of them have experienced loss, but they all offered me some sort of support.  I think I bawled the most at that.

I called an ob/gyn office today because I don't have one.  They told me to go to the hospital. I won't do that because I don't think that is necessary.  There isn't anything they can do.  I'm bleeding but no more than a regular period, I have mild cramping, my back hurts, but nothing that I am concerned about.

Then I called my doctor's office and told them and they said that I could come in for blood work if I wanted, but I don't feel like that is necessary.

I will probably make an appointment at the ob/gyn sometime next week for a follow up to make sure we are okay to ttc again or if we should wait.  I want to be a mom but at the same time I feel like giving up.

Not that anyone ever thinks they will have a miscarriage, but I never thought I would be part of that club.

We got lucky on cycle 2 getting pregnant, and now we are back to square one.  Who knows how long it could take this time.

On one hand I am grateful that I didn't tell anyone in real life (IRL) that I was pregnant, on the other I had dreamed about getting to share that news and have that moment.

I don't know if I want to even tell anyone about the miscarriage.  Maybe if I get pregnant again and am at a safer point in the pregnancy.  I don't think I'll even share until 3-4 months along in that case.

Edit:  Okay I get that it isn't as big of a deal to Rob, but it's 9:00pm and he has not yet called me to see how I'm doing.  That makes me feel really hurt and resentful of him.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

And it's over already...

My temps have dropped, I had pink spotting when I wiped after the bathroom, bad cramping, back aches etc.. today
I tested when I got home.  The wondfo was negative and the digital said 'not pregnant' and that really stung.
I know that nothing I did could have changed things, but I'm really sad and I cried of course.
Now I just need to wait for it to actually start.

And then I don't know what to do about my pregnancy posts, leave them up, delete them, what do I do with them?

Monday, September 10, 2012

I'm pregnant!

Due May 21 2013!

I really thought I was out this cycle (cycle number 2. ( I had a huge temp dip at 10dpo and the same temp 7/8 times before that ( out of 9 days, I missed temping one and one day was different).

That was Friday (11dpo), I even put a bottle of wine in the fridge because I knew that I would want it after work and having my period.  Only it didn't show that day.  So I thought I saw a line when I tested at 11dpo on a wondfo (Saturday) but I just wasn't sure.  So I waited until yesterday (12dpo) and tested in the morning.  I didn't see a line within the time period, so I marked it as negative.  I did see one like an hour later.  Also my temp had gone back up on Sunday and when I still hadn't gotten my period that evening I tested.  I tested first on the wondfo and while the line was faint it was there without mistaking it.  So I grabbed one of the digital's I had on hand and dipped it in the pee cup all the while my hands are shaking.  Gross I know, but I didn't dump it out after the first test just in case.  After 3 minutes up popped pregnant.  I was freaking out.

After I got the line on the wondfo Rob tried to come in to the bathroom.  I had locked the door just in case.  I wanted to surprise him.  So I yelled don't come in, and then cracked open the door and said I'm doing something and don't want you to laugh at me.  He was like uh okay, and then went to the basement. Then I dipped the digital and when it said pregnant I grabbed the video camera and went downstairs.  I said 'hey do you want to know what I was doing in the bathroom?' and handed him the pee stick and said 'Do you see that?'  and he said 'Awesome' and then we hugged :)

How far along: 3 weeks & 6 days


Symptoms:  I am having knee pain, but I don't know if that's related.  I am having a little bit of nausea & am thirsty.

Maternity Clothes: No

Sleep: Same as normal.  Up once or twice a night to pee, but I've always been that way.

Cravings: Lucky Charms

Belly: Button in and no bloat yet.

Gender: Unknown

Milestones: I'm hitting 4 weeks tomorrow, that's a milestone for me.

Looking forward to: Everything!

What I miss: I did take a tiny sip of Rob's wine.  I'm not a big drinker but know that I can't have it, I want it.

Appointments: None yet, I don't even have an Ob/gyn.  I've always  gone to a family doctor for my annuals. I have to find one.  Actually I don't even have maternity insurance.  Our insurance agent recommended we not get it until we are actually pregnant because we don't have employee health plans.  And since he wasn't the only agent to say that we went with it.  So what sucks is the first six months won't be covered.  I will call next week and get that changed, and then make an appointment somewhere.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Friday Five 9.7.12

1) First week of the new job went well. It's been tiring for sure.  I'm not used to being in charge of a 5mo and a 3yo, but it's a nice change.  The only downside is the pay cut, but other than that I am liking it.

2) I got pooped on, on Wednesday.  I don't know the last time that happened.  I thought it was funny, kind of a "Welcome to your new job, let me poop on you."  If he didn't have the sweetest smiles....

3) This show is on netflix now and we are watching it. Anyone remember this show?

4) I have majorly bombed at working out this week.  I'm probably worked out for about 30 minutes this whole week.  Usually I am at 300 at this point.  I'm bored of walking and the videos I used to use are no longer on netflix.  I need a gym membership, but I can't afford one.

5) I won a few random baby related things this week.  Where are my big prizes? ha.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Friday Five August 31 (A day late)

Holy moly!  How is summer over?

1) I finished my job yesterday.  5+ years are over.  I got there and there were streamers and balloons, and the chocolate fountain and fruit and pancakes etc....  I also brought donuts and balloons which they loved; I knew they would!  I got a card from the kids and one from L& J and I cried when I read it.  It was the sweetest thing.  J wrote how I may be a Urban by name, but I will always be part of the (Their last name) family.   I luckily read it after or I would have cried even more.  I did cry there.  I was doing fine until L started to tear up, so naturally I did the same.

2) Today is my sister's 23rd birthday. Happy Birthday Ali!

3)  I finished my table that I was working on, and it looks great.  I don't have a pic or I would post it.

4) I hate it when people do a photo shoot with their kids and then post all 200 pics.  I'm not a parent yet, but even then I don't anticipate posting that many.  I may only post half.  Ha, but really they aren't much different.  And on a related vent I don't like it when people buy a fancy camera and think they are a fancy photographer all of a sudden.  Then they proceed to post all these shots which really aren't that great.

5) So I like to enter contests, and I've won some decent things, but I've really been having bad luck lately.  Granted I haven't been entering as many, but I usually get a win or two a week, and nothing this week.