Ups and downs of life 8 months into Mommyhood.

I wrote about feeling mom guilt when Eleanor was a newborn. I felt guilty over trying to balance me time with enjoying her. I also felt guilt over the fact that I had a C-section, and couldn't deliver her the "right way." And now, 8 months later (holy cow! eight months?) I still feel some of that guilt. I'm not sure it's going to go away. I still feel guilty when I want me Time, and still feel guilt and regret that the c-section happened sometimes. I know c-section circumstances were beyond my control and I made the choice that was best, but I still don't love it.

I get very little free time, being with Eleanor all day every day. I feel guilty because it's what I want but I'm mentally exhausted by the end of the day. I want to sleep but struggle with wanting to use that time for me. I know that there is a need to catch up on housework and a messy clutter filled house makes me twitchy but I just can't do it.

It's getting better because she has started take at least one decent (an hour to two hours) nap a day.  So I use that to get some chores done (such as phone calls that are tough to do when she's awake) to eat, and to have a few minutes to myself.

But it isn't always enough.  Never is from what more experienced moms tell me though.

I feel guilty when I let her cry for more than a few minutes in her crib (when it comes to sleeping).  If I know she had a clean diaper, nursed for a while (thus not hungry), fell asleep and then woke back up the moment I laid her down that she's okay. Realistically I know that.  But the cries break my heart, especially when they get high pitched and then I can hear her trying to catch her breath and I hate it.  I don't know how long I should let her try to put herself to sleep.

I have days where I feel like I got this parenting thing down.  I got chores done, took the baby for a walk or playtime outside, made dinner etc... and then some days where I have an endless list of things to do and it feels like nothing gets checked off it.



Guilt and struggles aside I absolutely love love love being a mom and feel like I've adjusted fairly well.  I look at Eleanor still and can't believe that I made her.  She is part of me.  Does that amazement ever go away?  I really hope not.

Everything she does is perfect.  When she learns something new I brag about it all over the place; it goes on social media, on the blog, I'll tell anyone who will listen.  I have so much pride in her.

I also know that parents worry about loving a second child as much (no worries; I'm not pregnant) and I get it.  I can't imagine loving another child as much as her and already feel guilt about not being able to give my imaginary second child all the love and attention I give Eleanor.

Cart waaaay before horse though....haha.

So basically to sum it up, I love my daughter more than I ever imagined I could, I love being her mom, but still struggle with trying to do it all.

Thoughts?  Advice?  Stories of your own?  Share in the comments below.

Hug your loved ones.

Generally I don't write these Debbie downer depressing posts, but here it is. 

Last night my dad called to tell me that my brother's former girlfriend, my niece's mother, lost her dad to a heart attack yesterday.  

This comes a week after learning that one of the sweetest ladies I know from church found out that her chemo didn't work, and that her leukemia had returned for the third or fourth time and that at this point nothing is working.  She's now home with hospice care. 

These last few weeks of pregnancy have left me short tempered with Rob.  I don't have patience with him and I hate who I've become.  I never wanted to be 'that' wife.   And if something were to happen to him, I would not want to know that my last interactions with him were me being mad and angry.  

So from this moment I'm going to make an effort to be nicer, not just to Rob but to everyone.

I'm going to call my family more and stop over and visit my parents more.  

I am lucky enough to live so close to my family and I want baby girl to have the chance to know them as well and know how much she is loved by them. 

I know life isn't easy, but I don't want to feel as if I have regrets for things I did/didn't do.