Yeah, even though Eleanor's only been here for a month I already have mom guilt. A lot of it comes from the c-section.
I know that having a c-section doesn't make me any less of a mom, but sometimes I feel like I failed because I had one and didn't deliver Eleanor the 'right' way.
I don't think it's affected how I interact with her, and we still bonded fine, but I feel like I got cheated out of certain things.
When I heard her cry for the first time I couldn't even see her.
I didn't get to hold her for a little while. I had to wait until they had finished patching me all up. I touched her face and kissed her when Rob held her next to me, but I wish I could have had that moment where they put her on my chest.
I feel like having the c-section means I can't or won't be able to delivery vaginally if/when we have another child because I know a lot of doctors don't do VBAC's (vaginal birth after cesarean).
In the operating room the doctor said something about a 10% chance and something about 39 weeks, but I had just had a baby removed from me, was on pain meds, and wasn't really focusing well on what she was saying.
We didn't have a set time for when we would try for number 2, but I had hoped maybe late next summer or sometime around her first birthday. I don't know what my ob recommends (I'll ask at my 6 week checkup), but I'm confident they will say to wait longer than with a vaginal delivery.
I really don't like the way I look I know I'm only a few weeks out and I never expected to bounce back (9 months to put it on, 9 months to lose it), but I worry my stomach will always be flabby like it is now. It's so soft and hangs there and I don't even like Rob to look at it.
I know to some readers I sound ungrateful and I have a healthy daughter and should be happy with that. I just went into the labor process expecting it to go one way, and it's hard to adjust to a different mindset.
Another thing I struggle with is I feel like I should interact with when she's awake, but sometimes I want to just relax and online shop or read blogs and enter contests (which never happens) and then I feel bad for wanting a minute to myself. I love being with her.
I feel like I should enjoy all the snuggles I get from her. I do and especially after she is done nursing and just wants to snuggle. I usually take a few minutes and then want to put her down and do the dishes or laundry or like I said about just take a minute to myself. She's only so little once and I will miss her when she grows up so I should enjoy them all right now.
I feel bad for never doing skin to skin with her other than a few times in the hospital. I actually tried a week or so ago, but she was so squirmy I had to stop. I know there are so many benefits but I just don't do it.
I'm not the only one who deals with mom guilt. How do you deal? What do you feel bad about?