Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Mom guilt

Yeah, even though Eleanor's only been here for a month I already have mom guilt.  A lot of it comes from the c-section.

I know that having a c-section doesn't make me any less of a mom, but sometimes I feel like I failed because I had one and didn't deliver Eleanor the 'right' way.

I don't think it's affected how I interact with her, and we still bonded fine, but I feel like I got cheated out of certain things.

When I heard her cry for the first time I couldn't even see her.

I didn't get to hold her for a little while.  I had to wait until they had finished patching me all up.  I touched her face and kissed her when Rob held her next to me, but I wish I could have had that moment where they put her on my chest.

I feel like having the c-section means I can't or won't be able to delivery vaginally if/when we have another child because I know a lot of doctors don't do VBAC's (vaginal birth after cesarean).

In the operating room the doctor said something about a 10% chance and something about 39 weeks, but I had just had a baby removed from me, was on pain meds, and wasn't really focusing well on what she was saying.

We didn't have a set time for when we would try for number 2, but I had hoped maybe late next summer or sometime around her first birthday.  I don't know what my ob recommends (I'll ask at my 6 week checkup), but I'm confident they will say to wait longer than with a vaginal delivery.

I really don't like the way I look  I know I'm only a few weeks out and I never expected to bounce back (9 months to put it on, 9 months to lose it), but I worry my stomach will always be flabby like it is now.  It's so soft and hangs there and I don't even like Rob to look at it.

I know to some readers I sound ungrateful and I have a healthy daughter and should be happy with that.  I just went into the labor process expecting it to go one way, and it's hard to adjust to a different mindset.

Another thing I struggle with is I feel like I should interact with when she's awake, but sometimes I want to just relax and online shop or read blogs and enter contests (which never happens) and then I feel bad for wanting a minute to myself.  I love being with her.

I feel like I should enjoy all the snuggles I get from her.  I do and especially after she is done nursing and just wants to snuggle.  I usually take a few minutes and then want to put her down and do the dishes or laundry or like I said about just take a minute to myself.  She's only so little once and I will miss her when she grows up so I should enjoy them all right now.

I feel bad for never doing skin to skin with her other than a few times in the hospital.  I actually tried a week or so ago, but she was so squirmy I had to stop.  I know there are so many benefits but I just don't do it.

I'm not the only one who deals with mom guilt.  How do you deal?  What do you feel bad about?


  1. I felt the same way after my first. He got stuck and his head had a huge welt. He ended up in special care for 2 days and had ALOT of trouble nursing. we do the best we can, he is now a happy 4 yr old who doesnt care that he was cut out (he thinks it was cool) He doesnt care that he wasnt EBF He knows mommy and daddy love him. Baby #2 and Baby #3 were sucessful vbacs with no problems :) My OB recommended to start trying around a yr after a c section. Hope this helps love your blog and that baby is so sweet

  2. I can relate. I didn't have c-sections, but I absolutely understand that you'd be sad to miss out on those typical first moments of having the baby placed on your chest and being able to hold her right away. I'd feel cheated out of that, too. I do think a lot of women have successful VBACs, though.

    And I so understand feeling bad about not wanting to spend every moment snuggling with her. I say snuggle in those moments after nursing or as you're rocking her to sleep or any time the desire strikes you. But enjoy the time to yourself now while she sleeps so much of the day. Soon she'll be clamoring for every second of your attention and you'll miss all the free time. Haha. At least that's the stage I'm in right now with my needy children.

  3. I can so identify with this, I feel absolutely the same ... I totally know the c-section was the right thing but feel as if I was robbed of the birth I'd wanted. Just writing a post on it at the moment - thanks so much for sharing at #EmptyYourArchive, Alice @ Mums Make Lists