Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Disorganized thoughts

I have a lot to say and it's all over the place so just be forewarned.

For now though I'm just taking it one day at a time. 

A girl I am fb friends with and used to work with just lost a baby yesterday.  She had bleeding in the morning, went to the ER and they did an ultrasound, baby had a good heartbeat.  Later that evening she had more bleeding and bad cramping and went back to the ER and her baby was gone.   I'm not close with her but this stuff breaks my heart.   She was 15 weeks along. 
Times like this make me wonder which I'd prefer; a) never getting a positive test or b)getting a positive and losing the baby shortly after.   Her case seems like it would always be the worst.  You see the baby and hear the baby and then it's gone.  But at least she has a picture to remember it by.  All I have is a picture of a positive test to show I was pregnat, and I'm not sure if I really even have those.  I may have deleted them.  (I am in no way saying that one loss is worse than another; a loss is a loss; but it is one easier to deal with?  I'd say my case is a crap ton easier)

So Rob wants to keep trying, but I want to take a cycle off.  I think anyway. I can't even believe how lucky we have been in getting pregnant and I don't believe that we would get that lucky again and I am not sure what a third c/p would do to me.

I don't know if I can give up totally control though.  I say I need a break but I like knowing what is happening.  I am temping but I've missed 2 days this cycle (and it's only day 6).  Like today I hadn't completely forgotten but I had already hit the snooze a few times so I didn't want to temp.  It seems like I remember 5 minutes after waking up and then I'm like crap, it's too late.  I am still early in the cycle though.

I have a doctors appointment next week.  Hopefully I can come up with a plan of action.  I want to talk about if my lp is an issue, and if my progesterone may be low.

I have my good days where I want to keep going and just figure out the issue, and then I have my bad days where I cry and think it's not fair that I've lost 2 babies (and they were babies even if they were as small as a dot).

I think it is the worst when my sister texts me telling me about how her nt test went great and she's 13 weeks.  I let it go without saying anything because she doesn't know about the 2nd loss, and I don't want to make her feel bad about anything that isn't her fault.  It stings a little though.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry your down. Please try and keep your chin up! (I know it's difficult.) Can't wait to hear what your doctor says.

    If you want to take a cycle off from temping, do it! It's good for our sanity! Maybe just check CM and use OPK's this cycle?

    I hope that you find some peace and are able to figure out what you want to do. You're in my T&P's daily!