A letter to Eleanor

Dear Eleanor, 

I have no clue how a year has gone by already.  You went from my sweet tiny newborn who needed me for everything to this independent full of sass hilarious little girl and my heart couldn't be any more full of love.

Being your mommy is the best thing to happen to me (after marrying daddy of course).  I know everyone says it will change you and you won't be able to imagine what it will be like to have a child of your own, but I thought I was prepared for it.  I wasn't.

From the start- a long labor that ended with a c-section at almost a week over due, I knew you were going to be a do what you want when you want kind of girl.  You were in no rush and have been one of the easiest going babies ever.  And that's not just mom talk- everyone tells me what a happy baby you are.

Your first cry took me by surprise.  I was laying on the operating table, waiting for it, but still had no warning when they pulled you out and you cried.  I looked over at your daddy who was tearing up and had to look away or I would have started sobbing.  Once I was finally able to get you in my arms, I just wanted to stare at you and hold you.

Thankfully I was blessed to get to be with you this year.  I stayed home for several months, and then took a part time job which was perfect because you could be with me, and then went back to staying home.  I'd still love to find another part time job where you can come with me, but for know I love being with you.

We've managed to make it to the year mark with breastfeeding.  There were some rough moments, and I'm talking toe curling pain, but we kept on going and now those sweet moments before you fall asleep nursing are my favorite.  You gaze up at me with that look of trust and it's perfect. I love knowing I can provide you with comfort and that I've been able to give you a start that will benefit you so much.

Getting to share so many experiences with you has been so special.  Seeing the world as you do and delighting in the little things can change a person's perspective fast.  I don't think I was ever a selfish person, but now every little thing I do has you at the heart of it. I sacrifice so much for you (and don't get me wrong; I'd do it again) and I will say it's been tough. A trip to the store that would have taken just me 10 minutes now takes twice as long.  I have to load you into the car seat, then unload you, and make sure you have something to entertain you.  Then I have to get what I need, check out, load you back into the car.  I can't go out because you need to be in bed at a certain time.  I can't spend money willy nilly because as a stay at home mom, it's just not in the budget.

But for the last year every single smile you've given, every time I've heard you giggle, the little voice that utters 'mama' and seeing you learn something new has given me the encouragement to know that I'm doing something right.

Because my dear sweet girl being your mom is who I am and who I've always hoped to be.  I don't know what the future for us will look like, but I will do my best to never let you down.  You will always know I love you - no matter what happens.  

Pregnancy Reflections

As I enter the hopefully final days of this pregnancy (I'm 40 weeks 3 days), I've been thinking back on what the whole journey to get to this point was like. 

I'm doing my best to make this post flow, but it may be choppy so I apologize. 

When we first made the decision to try and start a family I thought we would be trying for a while.  I knew the odds of conceiving each month and didn't want to get my hopes up of it happening so soon. To my surprise cycle 2 was successful, but that ended shortly after finding out.  Then cycle 3 was another success and another early loss.  On cycle 6 we got lucky again, and that pregnancy is about to result in a baby girl.   

I do credit the fact that getting pregnant easily was in part due to my charting, which helped me determine the most fertile days. (Charting supplies).   I would recommend charting any day to anyone who wants to become pregnant. 

I expected to be constantly throwing up the first trimester, and I was lucky and didn't throw up more than a few times.  I was however nauseous almost all the time, but that wasn't a complete surprise. 

(Finding out I'm pregnant post)

Maybe it was me just being hopeful but I thought Rob would be one of those super helpful husbands. And I mean there are times where he's picked up something when I needed, but I've been stuck doing stuff on my own a lot. I have to beg a foot rub or back rub, and then when I do, it's for 2 minutes while he plays on his phone with the other hand.  Or maybe it's not really true and just feels that way. 

He has gotten better the closer to the end we have gotten.

Sorry for the over share but I never got the pregnancy libido increase.  I don't enjoy sex because its awkward and uncomfortable now.  We started off the pregnancy having pretty regular sex, and then it dropped down to once a week, and now it's once every few weeks that we even attempt it.   Rob's response is to imply and make references to it multiple times a day (but maybe this is just a guy thing), although when I say okay, even he doesn't want to do it then. I know women on my birth month board who have had sex only a few times since January so consider yourself lucky.  Lol. 

I thought that this pregnancy I would have a constant job and job security and that wasn't the case.  I had 4 different jobs this pregnancy. It caused a lot of stress on us and still does.  I'm sure we will be okay, but it would have been nice to not have to worry about it.

I planned to be active throughout the whole pregnancy and take walks daily, but by week 30 it was clear that wasn't going to happen.  I had (and still have) a lot of back pain.  My back has always curved more than normal, and pregnancy just made it worse.  Plus I gained most of my weight in my belly (and I'm thankful for that, I think), but that was another reason it put pressure on my back.

I wasn't sure how I would feel about being pregnant and feeling the baby move, but I have loved it.  At times her movements have actually hurt, but I'm still pretty sure I'm going to miss feeling her from the inside.

I actually thought I might have this baby early.  While I had been saying she would come past her date, I kind of thought she might be earlier.  I'm only basing that on the fact that I was early (as was my brother and sister) and my sister had her baby early also.

Considering I'm now past my due date, and am experiencing no labor signs, I have no idea when she will show up.

I never fully understand how people could wish their babies here early (before 38 weeks), but I get it. I really have enjoyed being pregnant, but the last few months have been tough.  I'm sore, in pain, and just uncomfortable.  I'm so ready for her to get here and meet her.