Saturday, October 11, 2014

A letter to Eleanor

Dear Eleanor, 

I have no clue how a year has gone by already.  You went from my sweet tiny newborn who needed me for everything to this independent full of sass hilarious little girl and my heart couldn't be any more full of love.

Being your mommy is the best thing to happen to me (after marrying daddy of course).  I know everyone says it will change you and you won't be able to imagine what it will be like to have a child of your own, but I thought I was prepared for it.  I wasn't.

From the start- a long labor that ended with a c-section at almost a week over due, I knew you were going to be a do what you want when you want kind of girl.  You were in no rush and have been one of the easiest going babies ever.  And that's not just mom talk- everyone tells me what a happy baby you are.

Your first cry took me by surprise.  I was laying on the operating table, waiting for it, but still had no warning when they pulled you out and you cried.  I looked over at your daddy who was tearing up and had to look away or I would have started sobbing.  Once I was finally able to get you in my arms, I just wanted to stare at you and hold you.

Thankfully I was blessed to get to be with you this year.  I stayed home for several months, and then took a part time job which was perfect because you could be with me, and then went back to staying home.  I'd still love to find another part time job where you can come with me, but for know I love being with you.

We've managed to make it to the year mark with breastfeeding.  There were some rough moments, and I'm talking toe curling pain, but we kept on going and now those sweet moments before you fall asleep nursing are my favorite.  You gaze up at me with that look of trust and it's perfect. I love knowing I can provide you with comfort and that I've been able to give you a start that will benefit you so much.

Getting to share so many experiences with you has been so special.  Seeing the world as you do and delighting in the little things can change a person's perspective fast.  I don't think I was ever a selfish person, but now every little thing I do has you at the heart of it. I sacrifice so much for you (and don't get me wrong; I'd do it again) and I will say it's been tough. A trip to the store that would have taken just me 10 minutes now takes twice as long.  I have to load you into the car seat, then unload you, and make sure you have something to entertain you.  Then I have to get what I need, check out, load you back into the car.  I can't go out because you need to be in bed at a certain time.  I can't spend money willy nilly because as a stay at home mom, it's just not in the budget.

But for the last year every single smile you've given, every time I've heard you giggle, the little voice that utters 'mama' and seeing you learn something new has given me the encouragement to know that I'm doing something right.

Because my dear sweet girl being your mom is who I am and who I've always hoped to be.  I don't know what the future for us will look like, but I will do my best to never let you down.  You will always know I love you - no matter what happens.  

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