Friday Four 11/30

1) My best friend was here over thanksgiving and while I didn't get to spend a ton of time with her, it was nice.  She usually visits in the summer and then at Thanksgiving.  I'd visit her (she lives in Minneapolis) and I did summer of 2011, but honestly it's much easier for her to come here.  She knows so many people here that it makes more sense for her to come here.
2) Funny story from work this week.  Addie is 3 and Troy is almost 8 months.  Troy is getting pretty mobile now.  He does the army crawl and is really close to actually crawling.  So he was crawling around the floor and grabbed Addie's foot.  She got mad and told me to make him apologize to me.  "Addie he can't talk, he's a baby"  "He can't?"  She seemed confused and honestly surprised that he couldn't talk.  Oh Addie.
3) We had dinner with Rob's grandparent's this week.  My sister (who used to clean for us) also cleaned for them.  His grandma is really excited my sister is pregnant and pretty much since we have been married has been asking when we are going to have kids. So I ordered a glass of wine on purpose and as soon as I did she went 'Oh so I guess this means your not pregnant.' haha.
4) I took Rob on a surprise date tonight.  I told him yesterday I wanted to take him somewhere, but didn't tell him where.  I did tell him before we left the house because he didn't want to be surprised.  We went to a newer brewery in the area.  It was fun, but really busy and I hate standing awkwardly around in the middle of the room.  Rob did see a table open up and he was like 'go go, it's open.'  It's a good thing because other people were eyeing it.

Going public

I started this with the intention of someday making it public, but at the time it was just for me.   A few weeks later I decided to make it public and I did because I felt that even though my support from the ladies on the bump was awesome, I had more to say.

I love reading the blogs of the ttgp ladies and seeing how they handle their struggles and joys has helped me.  It may not seem like it, but it has.  I hope that this blog helps someone as well.

I have made this blog public to everyone but my family and friends.  There are a few who know I have a blog, but I've held off letting them know the address because once it's out there I can't take it back.  

I kind of struggle with it, because it would be an easier answer when asked how I am doing.  I could just send them here.   For now I guess I'm not going to tell them.  Someday when I have a viable pregnancy my answer will probably change though because I think it would be easier to tell people about the pain  knowing I have something to hope for.  Know what I mean?

Just when I needed it.

I was watching a movie today on netflix.  It was  'The Shunning'.  A little cheesy, but I didn't mind it. During one scene in the movie one of the character talks about how she had multiple miscarriages and a late term loss.  Naturally this makes me sad and I cry a little wishing for my babies.
So after a few minutes I calm down, and return to the movie.  Within 5 minutes my phone rings and it's my sister in law (who knows about the losses).  She is asking about Christmas and then she asks how I'm doing and that she is thinking about me and will keep checking in every so often with me.
I can't even explain how much that meant to me.   At the moment I needed someone, she was there, and didn't even know I needed her.
I  am just amazed at the timing of it all.  I think this is one of those times that I just thank God for knowing exactly when I needed and giving it to me.

Doubled by 10%

The title has a story and Rob made fun of me quite a bit for it.   We were out to eat tonight and I was playing trivia.  It came down to the last question where you had to risk between 10-50% of your points.  I wasn't to confident on the category and risked 10%.  Rob knew the answer so we got it right.  I then said to him "Thanks! You just doubled my score by 10%."  Yeah, I know, it doesn't make any sense.  Oh, he thought it was hilarious though.

Here is my other dumb/funny moment of the day.  I was getting hungry and wanted to make the last of the spaghetti noodles that were in the box.  There was enough for one serving.  I decided to use the smallest pot so the water would cook faster. I broke most of the noodles and put them in.  The few that weren't were obviously sticking out, but I knew they would soften and be fine.
So then the water boils over, and the flame (we have a gas stove) kicks up a little.  It catches the noodles that are sticking out on fire and starts spreading.  So now my noodles are literally burning up and I have to dump water on them.  The smoke alarms goes off at this point.
I had to turn the whole thing off and pick out the noodles that were burnt and once that was done but the whole thing back on the stove.
So yes, I burned noodles that were in water.  Who does stuff like that?

And I'm on cycle 5 now.

I'm not really surprised and this may be the only cycle I say this but I am kind of thankful for it.  Like I said in this post I'm okay with it.

Today did suck a little and I had a mini meltdown at home between being at my aunts and Rob's mom. I knew that the conversation would turn to Ali's pregnancy and I knew it would sting and it did.

I did learn that my aunt charted to get pregnant with her first (and I assume my other cousins).  My cousin is in her late 30's.   I didn't say anything, but found that very interesting.  I knew that she had a pregnancy loss after her first but I didn't realize she was 23 weeks along when it happened.  She said had a tough time getting pregnant with all of her kids (she has 3 biological; 2 adopted) and it was kind of nice to hear her talk about it.  I don't mean that it was nice that she struggled, but that she actually talked about it.

When we first started trying I always thought I would have a September baby because September is such a crazy month with birthdays so why wouldn't there be another one?   I actually share a birthday with my dad (ours is the 17th; I was born on his 30th birthday; 5 weeks early.  I also know 4 other people with the same birthday).  My sister's is on the 1st.  Her sister in law's in at the beginning of September.  Rob's sister is the 13th.  My grandma's is the 22nd.  And how cool would it be to have share a birthday with my dad AND my child?   We shall see if the timing works out.

I am glad to be able to stop with the progesterone.  I know I said I would take it until I got my period but I didn't take it last night.  I knew I was out.  I still hadn't gotten my period this morning so I dipped a wondfo and then wiped and the tp was pink, so I pretty much just wasted a test.  Good thing they are cheap tests.

Confession

I have a headache, but I may have over exaggerated it to get out of Rob's family's thanksgiving tonight.  
I had no idea where his cousin (who was hosting) lives, and Rob and I would have gotten there separately and I really didn't want to ride with my father in law (he's an awkward duck).   I don't mind most of his family, but there are a lot of them and I don't like crowds very well because I just feel awkward and uncomfortable.  I don't like it when it's loud either (yes I'm an old lady).

Annoying.

My friend was flying into Lansing from Minneapolis today.  Her flight was supposed to get in at 8:30.  I left my house at 7 because it's about an hour and a half away.   There is a closer airport (30 min), but to fly into this one is direct and much cheaper.  I rearranged my schedule  to pick her up.
She lets me know that her flight is delayed while I am on the way.  Major fog.
 It was to far to turn around so I had to find something to do to kill time, but I'm not familiar with the area.  I managed to find a Walmart that was open that early, so I'm buying a bottle of wine at 9 in the morning.  Is that classy or what?  (Note: I did not drink it)
She finally made it off the plane at about 10. And then we were finally on the way.  I parked in the 15 minute free lot, and I was in there for 16 minutes by the time I got out, so they made me pay $2.  Annoying because I was in that line within the time frame. So unfair.

I'm also annoyed that my period still has not shown up.  I'm 14dpo, and I've known that I've been out for days. I'm getting tired of taking the progesterone and I'm not going to stop until I get my period.  My longest luteal phase (lp) was 14 days so if I get it tomorrow that would make it a 14 day lp.  Since charting they have been between 11 and 14 dpo so I'm still in a normal range.

I'm annoyed that at Thanksgiving I'm going to get the whole "When are you going to have kids?" especially since Ali is pregnant.  Ugh.

Edit:  I suppose I shouldn't be so whiny.  I'm thankful that I made it safely to and from the airport and that my friend made it here safe.  I'm thankful that I can afford the pills (and at $2 each they aren't really cheap).  I'm thankful that in a week and a half I find out if I will have a niece or nephew.

I think I'm out this cycle

I know I'm only 11dpo, but I've gotten positives by this point both times (although the first was super faint).

I have mixed feelings because on one side I'm bummed, but I almost think I will be relieved.  The farther past ovulation I got the more I kind of wish we would have taken a cycle off.  I never expected to get pregnant 3 cycles in a row, but I am kind of freaking out about what if it happened.  I really don't think I am ready for that.

I know if I am pregnant I can't change it; and I hope that the progesterone would help, but the thought of a third loss really freaks me out.  I am filled with anxiety just waiting for my period to start.

How sweet is this?

My niece made this for me yesterday after I spent the day with her.  

Friday five doubled 11/16

Super size edition to make up for last week's lacking post.
1) I tried to make those apple pie/ crescent roll things I saw on pinterest.  My first problem was in getting the tube open.  I had to cut it, thus cutting some of the rolls.  Then the apple pie filling didn't  fit very well, and the rolls didn't  cover it.  In the end they tasted okay, but I'm not a crescent roll fan.  I did dip them melted butter and brown sugar and sprinkled brown sugar on top.  Rob said they tasted good, but they still had that crescent roll taste.  They did taste good with vanilla ice cream though.  next time I think that I would add a little vanilla to the butter mixture. A for effort though (and apple, ha).
2) I wanted to get some more frer and digital pregnancy tests since I only had one frer.  I have plenty of wondfo's but i wanted something else.  We were at Walmart last weekend and so I decided to get some.  I know they are more expensive, but I like them.  So the cashier (who actually was the friendliest cashier I've ever encountered there; we don't shop there often though), was all like you know there is .88 cent tests.  I used them every time I got pregnant.  That is the Walmart I expected.  Ha.
3) We got some of our Christmas lights up over the weekend.  We just did the ones on the front of the house, but it was so nice out I wanted to do some as opposed to doing it in 30 degree weather.  We weren't the only ones in our neighborhood putting them up either.  However they are not hooked up; we still need some extension cords.  We got some light clips on clearance last year and Rob said they made it a lot easier.
4) My sister started cleaning our house earlier this year.  She cleaned the floors, made the beds, cleaned the bathrooms and the kitchen.  Last week was her last week and I had to clean this week.  Boo.  I cleaned the shower, then cleaned the nasty trash can. In the shower.  Then cleaned the shower again.  I also cleaned the sliding door track out with a q-tip.  That was the worst chore ever.  I kid you not, I threw up because it was so gross.  It was filled with dirt, hair and even a dead spider.
5)  Rob went hunting Wednesday after work (gun season started yesterday) and I always sleep crappy  when he's gone.  Yesterday I was up 5 times from 11 until 6:30.  I was so tired today.  I had caffeine for the first time today since last Saturday.
6) *TMI disclaimer* I think I may be developing a UTI.  It hurts when I pee badly.  My guess is it's from the applicator I was using with the progesterone pill.  I was using the applicator from the pre-seed lube and I was washing it and reusing it, and I must not have cleaned it well enough.  So that sucks.
7) I went to a 31 party at my boss's house last night.  I got a new wallet, a small tote to give as a gift, and another tote.  They are expensive however.  I  do have one wallet I got over a year ago and I still use it, but I wanted a more neutral pattern.  I'm not a very sociable person a lot of times.  I am a homebody and the party didn't start until 7pm so it was hard to muster up the energy to go.  I did it though and it was fun.  I'm glad I did it.  I'm trying to not be such a hermit.  I am trying to make plans to have a drink with a friend tomorrow, and I'm meeting my sister in law and niece with my other niece to watch my brother in law and nephew march in the Santa Clause parade.  I really miss my niece and don't know the last time I saw her (she's 7), so despite having to get up way early and drive downtown and stand in the cold I'm sure it will be fun.
8) I peed in a cup tonight, and tested.  I saw the faintest of lines, but I have no doubt it's just an evap line.  I'm only 9dpo according to ff (although I think I may be 10dpo) so it's super early and it was late in the afternoon so my pee would have been so diluted.  I couldn't possible get pregnant a third cycle in a row. I'll test in the morning anyway.
9)  I usually wash my hair every other day, but I read this blog post earlier this week (No poo').  I washed my hair on Sunday and didn't wash it again until Thursday and it did start to look greasy but it really wasn't that bad.  I think I'm going to try it.  I didn't use the baking soda/cider mix;  I just used water, but I might try that.
10)  I love love Christmas but I'm kind of getting nervous that this holiday season might be tough for me with the recent losses.  I really don't want to be a Debbie downer this year.

And that's what I got for now.  That may be the longest post I've written.

Friday Four 11/9

*I couldn't think of  five things this week*

1) I had the last week off work, because the family I work for was on vacation.  I did nothing the whole week.  I got nothing done and just sat at home on the computer and watched tv.  I watched all of season 3 of glee, I watched all the episodes of 'Traffic Light' on netflix and started watching Hart of Dixie.

These next few are baby related moments of this week.  
2) I told my sister in law (Rob's sister) on Monday when they came over for a birthday dinner for father in law.  She was super awesome and I'm glad I told her.  I love my sister, but I feel like she isn't as sensitive to the fact I've lost 2 babies and talks about her pregnancy all the time, but I'm getting closer to the point that it doesn't sting so much. And like I've said before I would never tell her that, because than she would never tell me anything.  So besides my sister and her husband and Rob's sister and her husband (I told her she could tell him) no other family/friends now.
I will probably tell my best friend when she visits over thanksgiving.  I didn't want to tell her that over the phone, although I did tell my sister through text.
3)My sister was telling me she had a dream this week in which we announced that I was pregnant at her baby shower.  She's almost 16 weeks (which is crazy, she finds out in 3 1/2 weeks what the sex of the baby is; I say I'm getting a nephew).  I guess it's possible that something like could happen.  Showers usually happen around 28-34 weeks right?
4) This may sound silly, but until this week I had never thought of my losses in terms of a son or daughter.  Thinking it that way made me sad.  Those were my daughters or sons or both.  It's strange to think they were my kids.  I guess while I thought of them as my babies that was it.  Thinking of them any other way makes it seem more real for sure.  Does any of that make sense?

Wine, Art & Ovulation

Random Monday ramblings. :)

1) I bought a bottle of wine today.  I think this maybe the first time I didn't get carded.  Boo

2)  I made this last night/today.  Painted a canvas, used vinyl letters, painted it again and peeled them off.  It's not perfect; the letters are a little crooked, and that may bother me, but I like it and it's a good reminder for me.  It's hanging in the kitchen and I can't miss it.

3) I got a +opk today (cd 18).  Last cycle after my first c/p I didn't get one until day 22.  So this is more what a 'normal' cycle is to me so yeah for that!  I was worried that I might have ovulated on cd15 which is way early for me, because I had horrid cramps and my temps had gone up for a few days, but they were down a little today.   I tested and when my 5 minutes were up I checked and there was no mistaking it for a negative. That line was really dark.  Usually before getting a clear positive I have a test that I have a hard time telling if the lines were the same.  Not this cycle!

Liebster Blog Award

Nicole at In Nic's mind nominated me for a Liebster Blog Award.  Thanks!  The bloggers that I would love to nominate have already been nominated so I have to think about who I would nominate. 

These are the questions from Nicole. 

1. What is your favorite movie?  

2. What is your pet peeve?
It drives me nuts when people don't use their turn signals. The worst is 4 waystops when you want to go straight and you think the person across from you is also going straight; nope they are turning left.  Ugh.  Annoying.  Also hate when people cut you off and turn and there isn't a car behind you. 

3. Which one country would you want relocate to if you had the opportunity?
Somewhere warm. Not sure which country.  I have a friend who loved Costa Rica.  Maybe there?

4. What is your biggest fear?
Tornado's

5. What is your favorite time of year?
Summer.  I love the warm weather.  

6. What do you miss most about being a kid?
I miss having an imagination.  Honestly I try to play with the kids and I am not nearly as creative as they are.  It's so amazing the things that they come up with. 

7. What is the last movie you watched or book you read?
I read this book. 
<-------.  It was a prize I won.  I actually enjoyed it.  If the next ones in the series were cheaper I'd probably buy them. 








8. Favorite color?
Green

9. If you friends had to describe you in one word what would it be?
Home-body.  Okay that's two, but I really do like being home.  I've gotten less social as I get older.  I'm not really sure why.

10. Are you a morning or night person?
I feel more productive at night even though I don't like to be out late.  


11. Silver or gold?
Silver.  I think the look of gold is kind of dated. 

Friday Five 11/2

1) I found this movie on crackle last weekend. --------------------------------->
I used to watch it all the time, but hadn't seen it years.  I wanted to watch it as soon as I found it, but Rob wasn't so into it.  So I had to wait until he went hunting, but I think it might be going on my Christmas list..
2) I have the lamest post titles.  I'm so uncreative.
3) I really missed my old work kiddos and I was babysitting in the neighborhood on Tuesday so I stopped by to see them.  It had been a month and a half since I saw them and I usually saw them 4 times a week, so I really missed them. It was great to surprise them.  Then on Halloween they surprise me and came to my house.  They live 20 minutes away and only came to my house,  I don't think they can know how much that meant to me.
Speaking on Halloween here's a cute trick or treater story.  This little boy,  probably around 4 came to the door and I gave him a handful of suckers, maybe 3 or 4. As he turned back around I heard him say "she sure gave me lots of suckers" to his parents.  It was adorable!

4) I got to see my sweet niece Libby again today.  I haven't seen her in three weeks.  She was more alert today and was as adorable as she has always been.
5) I had a little sad moment today.  It wasn't really from seeing Libby but I was with my sister and we went to the mall first and she wanted to go to motherhood maternity and I didn't go to another store because I honestly didn't  think about it.  And that alone could have been okay, but I swear all she talks about is baby related, at least 90%.  I can understand that she is just excited, and maybe I will be the same way, but I wouldn't go on and on in front of someone who has had recent losses.