Friday, June 13, 2014

Ups and downs of life 8 months into Mommyhood.

I wrote about feeling mom guilt when Eleanor was a newborn. I felt guilty over trying to balance me time with enjoying her. I also felt guilt over the fact that I had a C-section, and couldn't deliver her the "right way." And now, 8 months later (holy cow! eight months?) I still feel some of that guilt. I'm not sure it's going to go away. I still feel guilty when I want me Time, and still feel guilt and regret that the c-section happened sometimes. I know c-section circumstances were beyond my control and I made the choice that was best, but I still don't love it.

I get very little free time, being with Eleanor all day every day. I feel guilty because it's what I want but I'm mentally exhausted by the end of the day. I want to sleep but struggle with wanting to use that time for me. I know that there is a need to catch up on housework and a messy clutter filled house makes me twitchy but I just can't do it.

It's getting better because she has started take at least one decent (an hour to two hours) nap a day.  So I use that to get some chores done (such as phone calls that are tough to do when she's awake) to eat, and to have a few minutes to myself.

But it isn't always enough.  Never is from what more experienced moms tell me though.

I feel guilty when I let her cry for more than a few minutes in her crib (when it comes to sleeping).  If I know she had a clean diaper, nursed for a while (thus not hungry), fell asleep and then woke back up the moment I laid her down that she's okay. Realistically I know that.  But the cries break my heart, especially when they get high pitched and then I can hear her trying to catch her breath and I hate it.  I don't know how long I should let her try to put herself to sleep.

I have days where I feel like I got this parenting thing down.  I got chores done, took the baby for a walk or playtime outside, made dinner etc... and then some days where I have an endless list of things to do and it feels like nothing gets checked off it.

Guilt and struggles aside I absolutely love love love being a mom and feel like I've adjusted fairly well.  I look at Eleanor still and can't believe that I made her.  She is part of me.  Does that amazement ever go away?  I really hope not.

Everything she does is perfect.  When she learns something new I brag about it all over the place; it goes on social media, on the blog, I'll tell anyone who will listen.  I have so much pride in her.

I also know that parents worry about loving a second child as much (no worries; I'm not pregnant) and I get it.  I can't imagine loving another child as much as her and already feel guilt about not being able to give my imaginary second child all the love and attention I give Eleanor.

Cart waaaay before horse though....haha.

So basically to sum it up, I love my daughter more than I ever imagined I could, I love being her mom, but still struggle with trying to do it all.

Thoughts?  Advice?  Stories of your own?  Share in the comments below.

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